The American Jerk: Carving Up Celebrities and Eating Dog

"And to think I could have been adopted by Burt Reynolds..."

Guys always joke about thinking of baseball players to avoid having an orgasm too quickly during sex (And that's enough of that kind of talk). But did you know that it was Woody Allen who made that joke up in the first place? It's on one of his albums from the sixties, either Blonde on Blonde or John Wesley Harding; I'm not sure which.

Too bad all the ball players Allen thought of while having sex with his wife back then Louise Lasser have long since died of cirrhosis of the liver. I think Louise Lasser died of cirrhosis of the liver too, didn't she? Lasser once said that while she was married to Allen she would lie awake at night thinking, "I am in bed with a comedy genius!". Allen's present wife lies awake at night thinking "Me hungry want eat dog. Why old man not want eat dog?"

Hard core Woody Allen fans refer to his thing with Lasser as his "Jurassic" period, his thing with Diane Keaton as his "Cretaceous" period, and whatever the hell was going on with Mia Farrow as his "Mesozoic" period. This Soon Yi deal is apparently his "All the water dried up and the dinosaurs were in the desert wandering around trying to work up the energy to grow hair and evolve into mammals" period. At least for Soon Yi.

Was that insensitive? Maybe I should leave out the part about all the things I'm gonna do to her once her hot little ass gives Woody a heart attack and he leaves us all his money. Dig me, Soon Yi! If you like it with a creepy old four-eyed comedy guy like him just wait until you make it with an even creepier but younger four-eyed comedy guy like me. Ah, the times we'll have together. That kid you two have is adopted, right? We'll just drop it off at Mia's and forget about it, okay? You want to eat the dog, go right ahead and eat the dog. It won't bother me; I'm a cat person.

Lasser once said that while she was married to Allen she would lie awake at night thinking, "I am in bed with a comedy genius!". Allen's present wife lies awake at night thinking "Me hungry want eat dog. Why old man not want eat dog?"

Not that I'm putting Woody down here, he knows what it's all about. Forget about cars, mansions, and drugs - money is all about getting good-looking young women to sleep with you once you're a broken down little old man. Cause you know what they say - A fool and his money are Soon Yi Previn's.

Speaking of sex with (or at least near) celebrities you Net numb nuts; don't pass up on those Nude Celebrity Web sites you've heard so many negative things about! Oh, yeah, it's true that those pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brittany Spears, and Neve Campbell are actually those girls’ heads glued on top of other girls’ naked bodies, but Dig this: the bodies those heads are glued on are picture's of other celebrities’ naked bodies. Neve’s head glued on top of Brittany’s body or Jennifer’s head glued on top of Neve’s body. Oh, man, it's the best!

Yeah, Neve Campbell’s a lot prettier than Brittany Spears, but wouldn't she look great with a rack like Brittany's? You betcha! And once you've seen Jennifer Love Hewitt with Jennifer Lopez's butt every time you see her afterwards you'll just assume that her head has been glued on top of Calista Flockhart's or David Bowie's body.

Just as soon as I learn how to install computer software without throwing an effeminate hissy fit and chucking my computer out the window to smash it to bits with a baseball bat while little black kids gather to chant: "Go white man, go white man, go white man . . ." I'm going to start up my own bad-ass Celebrity Nudes site. We won’t just have celebrities’ heads on top of other celebrities’ bodies, we are going to go whole hog surgical and start chopping pictures of naked celebrities into little pieces and gluing them all together into all kinds of superfine sex machine combinations. I'm gonna glue Caroline Bissette Kennedy's head on top of Jennifer Aniston's body with Salma Hayek's tits, veteran Porno Queen Nina Hartley's ass, and Elizabeth Hurley's legs. Look out, Baby, cause I'm usin' technology, ain't got time to make apology.

Don't piss me off or I'll get really Medieval on your ass and do something to make you lose all interest in life like gluing Gwyneth Paltrow's head on Madeline Albright's body with Danny Devito's butt and an eleven-year-old Muscular Dystrophy victim's legs. Remember: I said I'd only do that if you piss me off, so if you're smart you'll all get together and make sure that the next Cheap Trick album goes multi-multi-multi platinum, okay?

Hey, all this talk about gluing heads here and gluing heads there has got me thinking. Remember that serial killer Ed Gein quote about how every time he saw a pretty girl the first thing he thought was "I wonder what her head would look like on a stick"? Well, as we are only beginning to realize, there are God only knows how many guys just like Ed out there… and I know a market when I see one. Just think of the money I'll rake in with the very first Web site to offer Celebrity Heads on A Stick! A picture of Gillian Anderson's head glued on a picture of a stick! Shania Twain's head glued on a picture of a stick! That little blonde on Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place’s head on a picture of a stick! I'll call it SEX ON A STICK! When I die my brain will be cut out and studied by the kind of scientists you see in fifties monster movies!

Oh, I have to stop writing now; the little black kid's parents are here to take me to the Crazy House. I think that's the name of the local funky black disco club - The Crazy House. How cool am I that black people knock on my door to take a white guy like me to their funky black disco club? Hey, they're even offering me illegal street drugs! What's that called? Thorazine? Well, ALLRIGHT!