Virus Warning

By Rob Reuter

VIRUS WARNING! THIS IS NOT A HOAX!*

Rob's computer, positioned too close to the bathroom...

There is a new virus sweeping the country called Urban Myth. This virus is worse than Melissa, and makes Michelangelo look as dangerous as a senile ninety-year-old woman with rickets.

This virus travels in e-mails from friends with an attached file named EMPTYTHREAT.EXE, and the following text:

"Hey friend! Here's the pornography you asked for! Young girls with young girls! Young boys with Tom Cruise! Young hermaphrodites with goats! Whatever you want! This particular kind of porn can only be put in an EXE file! I know it doesn't make sense! Just open it! Virus-scanning the file will corrupt the fine smut! Open it! I know this message came addressed from your mom! Trust me; she loves animal pornography! JUST OPEN IT!"

While you will be tempted, do not open the attachment. Delete it, then immediately empty your computer's recycle bin, and reformat your hard drive. Then replace the hard drive, and dispose of the used drive in a container approved for the transportation of biohazardous material. Then seal it in a steel drum and bury it in a Utah salt mine. Consider doing all of this in the company of a priest whom has performed at least two exorcisms in the past fifteen years.

This virus spreads itself by scanning your e-mail's address book, replicating itself, and sending itself to everyone on it. It then causes the head on your hard drive to slam itself repeatedly on the drive surface, not unlike an autistic on methamphetamines, destroying the drive. It will permanently replace your desktop wallpaper with an autopsy photo of Jerry Garcia.

It will play Stairway to Heaven backwards through your sound card. It will take control of your modem and will make long 900-number sex line calls. It has been known to call your grandmother, in your voice, and describe autoerotic asphyxia masturbation incidents.

If you have Quicken installed on your computer, the virus will bet every dime you have on the Phillies. If you have TurboTax installed, it will alert the IRS of unreported capital gains income from the sale of twelve kilos of cocaine. If you have Links, or another similar golfing simulation installed, the computer will somehow find a way to smack you in the mouth.

If you have cable modem service, the virus will get you free HBO, then turn you in for cable theft. It will upload Bolivian snuff films, imprinted with your name and address, to every television in your service area. It has been known to run Pauly Shore movies on every channel of your television, twenty-four hours a day.

Urban Myth, up close.

There is no known defense against this virus. This virus was created when a hacker, well known to the FBI, scanned several pages of Necronomicon: The Book of the Dead on a Canon 1200x900 scanner. The hacker's computer became possessed by Chthulu and Yog-Sothoth, spewing blood from the floppy drive and placing indiscriminate COD orders for Slim Whitman K-Tel record collections. In vinyl.

Be warned that this virus will try to infect your immortal soul. It has caused widespread famine and pestilence in areas of Manhattan, Los Angeles, and Seattle. Chicago is in flames, and Boston has been reduced to looting and cannibalism… but to be honest, some parts of Boston were pretty close to that anyway.

Representatives of MacAphee Virus Scanning, who have been working on a defense against Urban Myth, have recommended installing their virus scanning software. It will not defend against the virus, but they need the forty bucks for scotch. They have recommended that the only defense they have been able to determine is the purification of the infected computer with holy fire of at least 1,500 degrees, and dousing the flames with holy water.

Please take this warning seriously. Left unchecked, this virus will try to fuck your mom.

*Technically, it is a joke.

Main Archive Table of Contents

September, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Tae'd Up   Legend of Ken MacDonald   Carving up Celebrities

Month in Pictures   Squinty the Monkey

Blair Jerk Project   WAVing Our Dicks   Virus Warning

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.