Join The FBI! Carry a Gun and Work For The Man!

By Paul St. Fakename, Esq. and Rob Reuter

So you want to become a Special Agent of the FBI!

Flaccid Butt Institute? Nahh...Please complete the attached questionnaire and drop it in the mail with a self-addressed, stamped envelope! (Please do not e-mail questionnaire to us as our Internet provider has frozen our service due to non-payment. Please do not make telephone inquiries at our previous toll-free number for the same reason. Telephone inquiries will be accepted at the same number, area code 900)

We’ve lengthened our qualifying questionnaire slightly to help shorten the expensive interview process. Please answer each and every question, and please be aware that we are presently in the third year of our hiring freeze.

Remember in November: A vote for a Republican is a vote for law and order! Please. We’re begging you. We can’t pay for air conditioning in the summer, and in winter we burn Behavioral Science’s serial killer files for heat.

Good luck!

1. Do you own a gun?

  1. Yes.
  2. Never.
  3. Maybe.
  4. No, they took it away after I killed that judge.

2. If you are not selected for employment, could you lend the gun to us Friday night?

  1. I said I don’t have a gun.
  2. Not if it’s going to be used in a drug bust.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Should I take the armor piercing bullets out of it, or do you need those too?

3. Have you ever used marijuana?

  1. Yes, but I have used it medically to fight Glaucoma.
  2. Yes, but I have used it medically to fight Beergoggles.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Why? You got some?

4. Are you willing to take a drug test?

  1. Yes. I have nothing to hide.
  2. Yes. I know that two days of cranberry juice will make my urine squeaky-clean.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Yes. I will test any drug you give me.

5. Have you ever committed either a felony or more than one misdemeanor?

  1. You mean in America?
  2. If so, should I be applying to the CIA instead?
  3. Maybe.
  4. I don’t know--I was drunk during the arraignment.

6. Are you willing to take a polygraph test?

  1. Yes. My life is an open book.
  2. No. My life is an open sore.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Yes. I would be willing to try having more than one wife.

7. Have you tried to shoot the President at any time during the last 8 years? (Note to applicant: we don’t actually weigh this question as heavily as we used to.)

Join the FBI and you'll spend your days...
Dammit, we forgot dreaming of midgets and banging Laura Palmer!
  1. Does shooting the TV count?
  2. Once again, should I be applying to the CIA instead?
  3. Maybe.
  4. No, but I have ejaculated on pictures of the Vice President.

8. Have you ever worked in an intelligence agency for any other country?

  1. Nyet.
  2. What if they weren’t actually that intelligent?
  3. Maybe.
  4. No, the Sandanistas weren’t technically an agency.

9. Would you be willing to allow the FBI to contact your friends and family to determine your character?

  1. Yes. They will confirm my outstanding moral convictions.
  2. No. They will confirm that I have been convicted on morals charges.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Yes, but Dirty Frankie down by the railroad tracks has no phone.

10.   Do you mind if, while we’re at it, our operators try to switch them to MCI’s Friend’s and Family plan?

  1. Go ahead. Those bastards owe me money.
  2. STOP CALLING ME A LOSER!
  3. Maybe.
  4. No. I only paid those people to talk about me.

11. You aren’t a cripple or a retard, are you?

  1. I am completely offended by your question.
  2. Nnnnagh.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Since I have beaten people to death with my crutches, I don’t see this as a problem.

12. How about crazy? Have you ever spent time in a mental institution?

  1. Sure, once. How else could I beat that murder rap?
  2. I was only there for the free meals. Hey, they had good veal....
  3. Maybe.
  4. How dare you ask Batman that question!

13. Do you have any connections to organized crime?

  1. No. I loathe those leeches on society.
  2. No. I work alone.
  3. Maybe.
  4. No. The Czechnian Mob is not that organized yet.

14. Have you had any previous encounters with the FBI?

  1. Yes. I had a long, interesting conversation with a local recruiting agent.
  2. No. All my crimes have been on the local level.
  3. Maybe.
  4. Yes. The FBI has been controlling my thoughts via satellite for several years.

15. Why do you want to join the FBI?

  1. Healthy penchant for shadowing civilians.
  2. The free earphones.
  3. Maybe I want to join. Maybe not. Who the fuck's asking, anyway?
  4. Meet Mulder, nail Scully.

Now to see if you qualify!

If you chose any answer except "c" to any question besides Number 7, don’t bother applying. We can’t afford to employ people who give straight answers. The Federal Bureau of Investigation is an Equal Opportunity Employer. Unless you are a white male. Sorry, pal, but check the employment stats. They say we’ve got 70 years of discrimination to make up for in about two years. Fucking liberals. If you answered "a" to question 1, might we suggest applying to the Post Office?

Main Archive Table of Contents

July, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Future of America   Midget Convoys   Career?

Month In Pictures   Moon Over...

Declaration   Join The FBI   Tips For Living

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.