The American Jerk: The Declaration of Independence, First Draft

When in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another real jerk, and to assume among the Powers of the Earth (Not to be confused with the powers of Captain Planet and the Planeteers), the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should end this run-on sentence. They should also declare the causes which impel them to the Separation.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal (Please note "Men"), and whether it’s ass, gas or grass; nobody rides for free, Further, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Public Nakedness, Free Beer for the Poor, and the Pursuit of Wenches. Well endowed, if you get Our drift.

To secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, yadda yadda yadda, meet the new boss, same as the old boss, we’re just tired of red-coated thugs getting all the chicks at the cotillion dances.

"The vile Indian is only surpassed by the Wily Frenchman, Whose only Rule of Warfare is an undistinguished Rolling Over to save their Cheese from Nazi Desecration."

The history of the present King of Great-Britain is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States, and the General Kicking of Sand in our Weakling Faces on Virginia Beach. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid World, with no benefit of Substantiating Evidence, nor any Specific Incidents or Dates given. Just take Our Word for it.

He has imposed Taxation on our People without the benefit of Representation, including the Wanton taxation of our ale.

He has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance, Substance meaning exactly what you think it does.

He has excited domestic Insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the Inhabitants of our Frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known Rule of Warfare, is an undistinguished Destruction, of all Ages, Sexes and Conditions. In this, the vile Indian is only surpassed by the Wily Frenchman, Whose only Rule of Warfare is an undistinguished Rolling Over to save their Cheese from Nazi Desecration.

"Okay... Jefferson wanted the Pu Pu Platter, Franklin wanted Spring Rolls..."

He has plundered our Seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and pissed on our Begonias.

For quartering large Bodies of Armed Troops among our homes, even though it is silly to call those rotten muskets Arms, and there was a Perfectly good Holiday Inn right down the street.

For depriving us, in many Cases, of the Benefits of Trial by Jury, forcing our Sports Celebrities to serve Time for the Killing of their White wives, and:

In every stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble Terms. Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by the Inexplicable taxation of Capital Letters. A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is fit only to record Forgettable, Bubble-Gum Pop Music.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the WELL-ENDOWED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions to tell us what "Rectitude of our Intentions" means. We, the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies (Who never elected us for anything, but uniformly call us by the Patricianly Title "Rabblerousing Maggots"), Solemnly Publish and Declare, that these United Colonies are Free and Independent States, and that they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, and print Currency good in any Gin Joint or Strip Club in riding distance from John Hancock’s Pool Room.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our Fortunes, our sacred Honor, and our CD collections if we Die.