Tips
For Living From Your Vengeful God
By God
As told to Ken MacDonald, Paul
St. Fakename, Esq. and Rob Reuter
-
Bring me the head of the beast known as Baz
Luhrman. He's the guy
that "sings" the song Everybody's Free (To Wear
Sunscreen). I want his balls fed to him. That pretentious
asshole who thinks he can preach all of life's answers in a song. It should be inherently
known to man that life's answers can be found through dangerous experimentation with mind
altering drugs!
- Don't rely on man-made laws. If My children are having disputes
with their neighbors, don't sue or bring them to court; declare them a witch. It's a lot
quicker and easier that way. Plus, there's no legal fees.
- On the eighth day, I created midget wrestling.
- Eating kosher is one way to live a spiritual lifestyle. The Atkins
Diet (you know, the one that allows you to eat bacon, cheeseburgers, salt, fat, and
whiskey), is also acceptable.
- Hell is not eternal damnation. Listening to Britney Spearss
album without the benefit of seeing her hooters is.
- Singing hymns in church is nice. I also would enjoy a rousing
rendition of Roll Your Leg Over, or anything off of the "Greatest Tits" album by Dr. Dirty John
Valby.
- Fire and brimstone are not the Wrath of God. Dave's Insanity Hot
Sauce is.
- In Alabama and parts of West Virginia, Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
count as the Eucharist.
- The world needs losers too. So cheer up and have another drink,
you bum!
- You never figured out what I really meant by "burning
bush," did you?
Main Archive Table of Contents
July,
1999 Issue Table of Contents
Future
of America Midget
Convoys Career?
Month
In Pictures Moon
Over...
Declaration
Join The FBI Tips
For Living
The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.