The Holy Trinity of Sex

By Matt Davis

I am convinced that all men... ok, all straight men... ok, all straight white men... ok, maybe just me... have three things they must do before they die (or before they get married, whichever tragedy comes first). They are, in no particular order: anal sex, sex with a black woman, and, of course, the threesome. The Holy Trinity of sex, if you will.

Let’s take a look at these things one at a time…

1) Anal Sex

Well, what can I tell you? Men want to put their things in any conceivable hole. The rear end just happens to be conveniently located near something else they are often entering. It seems like a good idea, so why not?

"Hey, here’s a hole I haven’t visited before and regular sex seems to be getting rather boring, so why don’t I put it there?" This is no every day affair, however. The power of persuasion (or the amount of alcohol intake) has to be at a level that has the woman agreeing to something that she usually would not. The level of trust has to be way up there. If it is, this a HUGE victory for man over the coveted booty. Once men succeed in this arena, we feel like one of our heroes, Captain Kirk; we have traveled where "no man has gone before" and we are quite proud of it.

2) Sex with a Black Woman

This is an amazing phenomenon; some white men feel that this is a very large prize. I think it’s the taboo of the thing that makes it so exciting. White guys aren’t supposed to date black women for fear of ass whuppins. We white men know in our hearts that the average black man can kick the living shit out of us (Urkel and Bryant Gumbel notwithstanding).

Speaking of which, there is a small part of sleeping with a black woman that appeals to the bigot in some of us. It is the part that feels that they (the average black man) are really going after our sisters. Many, many years ago, slave owners taught this to their sons. This stereotype, while totally false, still exists in some places today, so this is small revenge for those who still believe it.

Finally, white men are convinced that all black men are hung like horses. Most of us have seen pornos with, how do you say, ABOVE AVERAGE black men. So our logic is, if we got one of their sisters to take a look at our tiny things, we must know some form of magic or something.

3) The Threesome

What can be said about the threesome that hasn’t already been said? If you are a man, you have asked every woman you’ve ever had sex with about it. Truth is, you've asked every woman you've ever fondled, kissed, taken to coffee, or passed at the bus stop if she’d ever "considered" it. Considered being pig Latin for "Dear God, please say yes, cause if you say yes, that means I may have the slightest chance of it actually happening and I can be a hero to all my friends".

The truth is, I can’t tell you why the menage is such a draw for us. There is the obvious that more is better (Four boobs are better than two) but there is something else. There is the proud feeling because your wife/girlfriend is sharing you; therefore, you must certainly be a catch. But there is still something else. Watching two women go at it is the most exciting thing since the Super Bowl. Two beautiful women just kissing each other is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. Men are hairy and rough and course. Women are slender, soft and squishy and they smell good. So seeing those two beautiful creatures with each other instead of some man is just a wonderful sight to see.

The bottom line is we really can’t explain it to women, it just is. If we could explain it, we would, and even then, you still wouldn’t get it. You just have to understand that it is a law of nature. The birds will sing, the fish will swim, and YOUR man is going to ask you for a threesome.

In conclusion, I truly believe these are the loftiest goals that men can shoot for in the bedroom. Many have tried and failed to obtain even one of these highly-valued objectives. Personally, I'm hoping to meet a lesbian named LaTonya who likes it in the butt and take care of everything in one shot.

Main Archive Table of Contents

June, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Elvis... Pokémon   Losers With Guns   Holy Trinity

Moon Walk

Undergarments For Alcoholics   Trenchcoat Mafia   Tips For Living   Silence of The Lambs II

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.