The
Trenchcoat Mafia Spring CatalogueThe
Trenchcoat Mafia Spring Catalogue
By Paul St. Fakename, Esq.
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The Trademark Trenchcoat Mafia™ Trenchcoat - The Italian leather gives it that classic look while hem to collar satin lining gives it a comfort no other trenchcoat can match. Girls just love that Nazi chic! Often imitated but never duplicated, this classy import is made from the hide of 14 cows. Okay, actually it only takes one cow to make the jacket but we beat 14 of them to death with tire irons because that’s what you little homophobic runts demanded. ACLU approved. Available only in black. $419.99
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Kay-Tel Records Presents "The Best of That Swingin’ Goth Music!"--Kick that party into high gear with this great collection! Hey, who are you kidding? Everyone stays the HELL away from you since you threatened to blow up the school for the 3rd time so it’s time to ROCK OUT alone in your room! We’ve got "I’m Not Cool," "Love is Like 20 Sided Dice," and that classic Goth anthem, "A Dwarf Just Killed My Level 9 Paladin." And we haven’t even mentioned the Marilyn Manson song you just can’t get anywhere else, "Middle-class White Kids Made Me a Millionaire." $14.99
HTML for Fascists, by "German"
Eddie Fishkiller, 3rd. Ed.--You could create
your Web site without this book, but we don’t recommend it! You’ve spent at
least a good half-hour on your ignorant yuppie psychobabble. Don’t let your personal
diatribe on why you should be able to marry your sister get watered down in the
translation and start to sound like something put out by the Catholic Church. Now comes
with CD full of Klan-approved clip art! Swastikas! Burning crosses! Pictures of white male
German shepherds having sex with each other and moaning "Adolph!" $25.97
Trenchcoat Mafia™ Brand Crutches--When Vinny and Joey show up to "complain" about your associating the Cosa Nostra with pimply-faced amateur low-lifes, you’ll be glad you bought Trenchcoat Mafia™ brand crutches. They’ve been rigorously tested on hundreds of people who couldn’t pay the vig. Adjustable arm padding. Now with cupholders! $59.95
The Complete Moron’s Guide to Making Bombs Out of Household Products, by "German" Eddie Fishkiller, 1st Ed.--Another classic from the author the New York Times called, "The most ignorant, dumb-assed redneck to ever survive a lobotomy." This bomb manual/coloring book takes a simple step-by-step approach to making bombs out of household products with plenty of connect-the-dot pictures to make it fun. Fishkiller knows his audience and has made the instructions so simple that even the catastrophically inbred can follow it: 95% of the instructions use small words and all the big words are spelled fo-net-ick-lee. The author guarantees you won’t blow yourself up in the process or your money back. Guarantee void in Alabama. $14.99
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"WWCMD" T-Shirt--You’re failing English. Your girlfriend dumped you. You just can’t get past the 13th level of Doom. Finally there’s fashionable clothing that helps you calm down and make sense of it all. Who cares what Jesus would do...what would Charles Manson do? Available in black. $14.99
The Official Trenchcoat Mafia™ Suicide Thesaurus, by "German" Eddie Fishkiller, 15th. Ed.--Let’s face it...who wants to off him or herself, only to be thought a loser just because they couldn’t find a more complex word for "lonely." Hey, we can’t help the fact that you’re a loser just like you can’t help the fact that you have a third-grade vocabulary. But we can give your suicide notes the zing they deserve! This new revised edition even has an appendix of appropriate song lyrics to give your manifesto that "sensitive soul" flavor--from "Hey Hey, My My" to "Suicide Solution". This new edition lets you go out like a coward, while sounding like a slightly more intelligent coward. $34.95
Main Archive Table of Contents
June, 1999 Issue Table of Contents
Elvis...
Pokémon Losers
With Guns Holy
Trinity
Undergarments For Alcoholics Trenchcoat Mafia Tips For Living Silence of The Lambs II
The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.