Tips For Living From Your Vengeful God

By God

As told to Paul St. Fakename, Esq. and Rob Reuter

  1. If I had written The Bible, I would have come up with a better title than the Latin"Let my people drink and enjoy Baywatch!" word for "book."
  2. Jews are not the chosen people. The Detroit Red Wings are.
  3. The Eleventh Commandment was "Psyche!"
  4. Oral Roberts wasn't "called home" because I didn't want the greedy bastard, either.
  5. "Do onto others as you would have them do onto you" does not apply to pee fetishists.
  6. Elvis is dead. Deal.
  7. I took Andy Gibb and left you Keith Richards for a reason.
  8. "Amen" is Hebrew for "Beer me." Amen.
  9. Most of you are drug-sucking, selfish perverts. Relax, I created you in My image.
  10. The road of excess leads to Denny's.
  11. Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty.
  12. Blowjobs should be like washing your hair: wash, rinse, repeat.
  13. I will not grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, or the wisdom to know the difference. Drink up.
  14. Make every day James Brown Day. Jump back. Kiss yo'self.

  15. I have a special place in Hell reserved for L. Ron Hubbard.

Main Archive Table of Contents

June, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Elvis... Pokémon   Losers With Guns   Holy Trinity

Moon Walk

Undergarments For Alcoholics   Trenchcoat Mafia   Tips For Living   Silence of The Lambs II

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.