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Undergarments For Alcoholics: The American Jerk Consumer Report

By Rob Reuter

Summer is rapidly approaching, and we all know what that means: long days, warm nights, and for those of us of modest means, bottle after bottle of "The Poor Man’s Air Conditioning," beer.

We’re all familiar with the most common byproduct of beer-drinking; just remember: "You don’t drink beer, you rent – hold that thought; I have to piss..." A crowded house party with but a single bathroom can turn a pleasant evening’s diversion into a frantic, desperate nightmare. Indeed, such experiences almost caused the death of the "beer blowout" in the wealth and image-conscious 1980’s – no one wanted to have another party at their home when the morning after their first one, all the potted plants were mysteriously dead. This explains the rise in popularity of cocaine in the late ‘80’s.

However, inexplicable public backlash against drinking alone in a dark room has led to the resurgence of the kegger, and the kegger, for the reasons described above, has brought a new popularity to the adult undergarment.

We bought and tested three adult undergarments made by the major manufacturers. Prices range from $7 to $500. Please note, however, that the $500 one included a woman wearing black leather putting the undergarment on you, whipping on you and calling you a "fucking little baby." The undergarment itself was only $12 without the added service (Which we do, however, recommend).

How we tested

Our primary test was based on a standard developed by Keith Richards. Please note that these measurements do not apply to the test's creator; Keith Richards has not been a "healthy adult" since Jumpin' Jack Flash.

Our primary test was based on a standard developed by Keith Richards. A healthy adult has a bladder capacity of 500 milliliters ("ML"). A healthy adult begins to develop mild symptoms of discomfort at 250 ML, approximately four 12-ounce lagers, or two "keg stands." A healthy adult finally heeds "nature's call" at about 350 milliliters (5 ½ 12-ounce lagers, three "keg stands," one missed shot glass with a "quarter").

Please note that the above measurements do not apply to the test’s creator; Keith Richards has not been a "healthy adult" since Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

Since the average adult drinks between seven and fourteen beers at a keg party, this leads to an average undergarment capacity requirement between 500 and 1,000 milliliters. This may not seem like a large amount, particularly to Americans with their "ounces" and their "pounds" and their "Hung like Ron Jeremy" units of measurement. However, for comparison, 1,000 milliliters is like pouring half a two-liter bottle of Coke into your shorts. Try it. We’ll wait.

Feeling refreshed? Then we’ll continue.

We tested Dependo™ "Normal," Pampering™ "Larger Capacity," and You Old Bastard™ "Niagara" undergarments by having normal, healthy alcoholics drink seven, ten or fourteen twelve-ounce beers, one beer every thirty minutes. We restrained them with leg irons to reclining chairs, and shut off the water in all nearby restrooms.

Winner of the Jimmy the Wino seal of approval!

The Dependo™ undergarment held up admirably to the seven-beer test. "Except for the crinkly feeling when I finally stood up, I felt fresh as a daisy," our tester said. However, performance in the ten and fourteen-beer categories were somewhat disappointing. "My pants feel squishy," said our ten-beer tester. "I fucking begged you to let me up," said our distraught fourteen-beer tester, "I only have the one pair of pants. Can I have my dollar now?" All in all, it was a disappointing performance by the best-selling brand of undergarment.

Pampering’s™ "Larger Capacity" undergarments performed somewhat better. Our seven-beer tester had no complaints whatsoever. However, that tester was unconscious following the test. The ten-beer tester had accolades for the product, saying: "The outside of the Pampering’s™ is bone dry! I wish I’d put them on under my pants!" "My pants are a little damp," our fourteen beer tester admitted, "But that could be because I vomited on them at around beer eleven."

The surprise of the test was the You Old Bastard™ undergarment. It held up admirably under all testing conditions. The rave reviews included, "Amazing! No problem after seven beers and the quart of scotch I had before the test!" The fourteen-beer tested said only "Poop!" which was the only English word he knew besides "Suckee."

Recommendations

There are some that argue that the use of adult undergarments in the fashion described above is "not healthy," "A slap in the face of polite society," or "more disgusting than the photo essays in The American Jerk."

However, we contend that if it’s okay for the elderly to use these undergarments to sit through Titanic, guaranteeing that our entire motion picture experience will be ruined by incessant comments like: "They just don’t make ‘em like the Marx Brothers anymore… Mae West didn’t need to show off her perky snoooooore," then use for keggers is okay by us.

However, as educated consumers, please be aware that all the tested models, no matter how they performed or failed to perform, are disposable undergarments. Attempting to wear any of these undergarments to two parties in a row may lead to cholera.

Main Archive Table of Contents

June, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

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