Tips for Living From Your Vengeful God

By God

As Told To Paul St. Fakename, Esq., Rob Reuter and Ken MacDonald

"God is Sleepy," By Steve Monet, 1978

1. Love is arbitrary. Bring a handgun on blind dates.
   
   
2. James Beam can cure you.
   
   
3. If I wanted you to be a vegetarian, cows would run faster.
   
   
4. You will die. I will not. Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.
   
   
5. Always remember: sunscreen causes cancer.
   
   
6. The way to a man’s heart will always be through a blowjob.
   
   
7. He who drinketh strong drink, his ass shall speak an unholy word.
   
   
8. Diamonds may be forever but plutonium has a longer half-life.
   
   
9. He loveth best who loveth himself. This means exactly what you think it means.
   
   
10. The A-bomb was my way of saying, "I helpeth those who helpeth themselves."
    
    
11. Lawyers are proof that even those who fail as rats can get reincarnated.
    
    
12. Claiming to be the Anti-Christ has its advantages.
    
    
13. Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty, fuckhead.
    
    
14. If you love something, set it free. I, for example, love alligators.
    
    
15. Second-hand smoke may kill, but you will never win a war that way.

Main Archive Table of Contents

May, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Barely Enlightened   Star Wars Will Not Get You Laid   Gutterballs

Moon Over Star Wars

Employee Handbook   How Much is Your Soul Worth?   Gospel According to Jack   Tips for Living

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.