Then Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest’s servant, cutting off his right ear. (The servant’s name was Cumstein.)

Jesus commanded Peter, "Put your sword away! Don’t give them a reason! Don’t you remember Rodney King?"

Then the detachment of soldiers with its commander and the Jewish officials arrested Jesus. They cuffed him and brought him to Annas, who was the father-in-law of Caiaphas, the District Attorney that year. The DA questioned Jesus about his disciples and his teaching.

"I have spoken openly to the world," Jesus replied, "But I’m not saying another God damned word without my lawyer."

When Jesus said this, one of the officials nearby struck him in the face. "Is this the way you answer the high priest?" he demanded.

"If I said something wrong," Jesus replied, "testify as to what is wrong. Not that it’ll make any difference when I tell the judge you tried to beat a confession out of me, fascist!"

Then the Jews led Jesus from Caiaphas to the court of the Roman governor. So Pilate came out to them and asked, "What charges are you bringing against this man?"

"If he were not a criminal," they replied, "we would not have handed him over to you."

Pilate said, "You couldn’t even come up with a bogus resisting arrest charge? Take him yourself and put him in the drunk tank overnight; you want to teach him a lesson."

"But we have no right to execute anyone, " the Jews objected.

The Cocktail Napkin of Turin

"Guys," Pilate proclaimed, "being a hippie is not a death penalty offense. Bring him in, and we’ll see what we have."

Pilate then went back inside the palace, summoned Jesus and asked him, "Are you the king of the Jews?"

"Is that your own idea," Jesus asked, "or did others talk to you about me?"

"Are you acting paranoid, trying to cop an insanity plea?" Pilate replied. "What is it you have done?"

Jesus said, "My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place."

"Maybe we should consider ninety days psychiatric observation," Pilate said. "He thinks he’s Napoleon."

Jesus answered, "You are right in saying I am a king. In fact, for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me."

"Tell it to the shrink, pal," Pilate proclaimed. With this he went out again to the Jews and said, "I find no basis for a charge against him. Maybe you were right to take him off the street, but I’m ordering psyche observation, ninety days, released on his own recognizance."

They shouted back, "No, not him! He wanders the land bringing his teachings to all! He has no ties to the community! He is a flight risk! The Jews demand thirty pieces of silver bail!"

Then Pilate took Jesus and had him cavity searched. Once more Pilate came out and said to the Jews, "Look, I am bringing him out to you to let you know that I find no basis for any charges. The burden of proof falls to the Jews, and there’s all kinds of reasonable doubt here!" When Jesus came out wearing an orange jumpsuit, Pilate said to them, "Here is the man!"

The Son of God fails to hold his liquor

As soon as the prosecutors and their DA's saw him, they shouted, "Crucify! Crucify!"

But Pilate answered, "Pipe down, or I’ll find you in contempt and clear this courtroom!"

The Jews insisted, "We have a law, and according to that law he must die, because he claimed to be the Son of God."

When Pilate heard this, he said, "Then this is a state matter. I’m a federal judge. What jurisdiction do I have?" He went back inside the palace. "Where do you come from?" he asked Jesus, but Jesus gave him no answer. "Do you refuse to speak to me?"

Jesus answered, "I still don’t see my lawyer. And haven’t you bastards ever heard of the Miranda warning?"

Then Pilate went to the Jews, and the Jews kept shouting, "If you let this man go, you are no friend of Caesar!"

Pilate proclaimed, "Shut your piehole. Caesar appointed me to the bench, and it’s a lifetime appointment."

Pilate continued, "This man was arrested based on the testimony of one Judas Iscariot, who has mysteriously ‘hung himself.’ While I can’t condone Mafia-style intimidation tactics, his testimony is now unavailable, and without his corroboration, the tape recordings he made are inadmissible. The accusations of the Jews must be considered hearsay and inadmissible.

"Further, the court finds that the defendant’s civil rights were violated in his stormtrooper-like arrest by the Pharisees. Rest assured, the court will investigate this matter. In the absence of any corroborating evidence against the defendant, this court hereby dismisses all charges against the defendant. Bailiff, please remand the Pharisees into custody under the charge of police brutality. The defendant is released; court is adjourned," Pilate said. "Christ, I need a drink."

"I’ll join you," Jesus said.

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