Yes, we are aware that we do not ever have visitors or clients in the office. Pants are still requested.

Our standard office hours are 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Please remember that our clocks are fifteen minutes fast in the morning and half an hour slow in the afternoons because they were manufactured by The Company. You will be late for work, and you will always miss the first fifteen minutes of The Simpsons when you get home.

Ha, Ha, Ha!

Remember back in February, when your girlfriend dumped you? When you came in about forty-five minutes late every day, reeking of sour bourbon, marijuana, and hints of some stripper’s "Powdered Whore" perfume? And on Friday the 18^th, you did three lines in the supply closet and fucked that summer temp from Accounting, who might be eighteen? Which finally made you feel good enough about yourself that you could stop wearing your old girlfriend’s underwear?

Yes, we know about all that. You will work when we God damn well tell you to.

*Effective except in California, where the above conduct is normal.

Paydays are on the first and fifteenth of every month. If the first or the fifteenth falls on a weekend, that period’s paycheck will be divided into all future paychecks for the remainder of the fiscal year. If this occurs more than once, the total pay of the combined periods will be, of course, multiplied by a factor of .72564, and the square root of that figure will be held in escrow, with tax withheld, until the final pay period of the year. By that time you will have forgotten about the original check and our CEO can use the money to purchase a new summer home so he can avoid having to clean the old one.

We also offer the convenience of having your paycheck deposited into your personal checking account. We strongly recommend that you take this option, as it allows you to avoid the physically and psychologically draining inconvenience of signing a check and sticking it into the ATM machine you were going to go to anyway.

Safety first! This is a dangerous business! Rubber chickens are merciless.

Many people are concerned that direct deposit will allow total strangers access to their bank account. However, let us assure you that we are not strangers.

All employees are expected to be at work on time and to maintain satisfactory attendance, except for your manager, who will come and go as he or she pleases. Remember: What you call "Golf" we call "Marketing," and what you call "A hangover" we call "Telecommuting." These rules will never apply to you, so learn to live with it.

If you are absent for any reason, you must call your immediate supervisor with the reason, which he or she will not believe.

If you are late for more than five days in a row, you are probably pregnant.

Chronic absenteeism is a cause for concern, and appropriate action will be taken by management to correct such behavior. When we happen to be there. We have a marketing seminar coming up, and we will therefore be telecommuting.

The Company allows paid holidays on Christmas and Thanksgiving to spend in quiet reflection with your families, who you hate. On the good holidays such as Labor Day and Memorial Day, while your friends are getting drunk and having a good time, you will be working.

First-year employees will not be allowed any paid vacation time. Second-year employees will have quit in disgust long before they finish their first year.

In order to protect employees and The Company from employees’ abuses of illegal or controlled substances, The Company’s policy calls for disciplinary action, up to and including termination, for any employee that can’t handle their high. Your manager regularly drinks five Dewars’ at lunchtime and he isn’t pissing in the drinking fountain. Show some self control, for Christ’s sake.

There is a drug store around the corner from The Company that sells vitamin pills.

If you are willing to work for the miniscule salary we offer, you will not be called for jury duty because you are an illegal alien.

If you are dead, you will be allowed one day off to be buried.

Automatic Corporate "Complainatron User Interface

It is our intent to provide you with the means to bring complaints and problems to The Company’s attention, and to obtain a satisfactory result from the process.

• Promptly notify your supervisor of any problem or complaint.
• When your supervisor laughs at you, you may proceed to your department head or manager.
• Your manager was already informed of your pathetic whinings by your supervisor, and he or she has no sympathy for rabble-rousers such as yourself. You may now proceed to the Human Resources Department.
• Human Resources has already processed your transfer paperwork to The Company’s East Buttfuck, Alaska office. Upon arrival at your new home, you may feel free to begin again at step one. We still have an office in El Plagueo de Negro, Mexico…

On each anniversary of your hire date, your immediate supervisor, who hates you, will give you a performance review. You will be rated on a scale of one to five, with one being completely unsatisfactory and five being completely unattainable. Fractions between numerals will be rounded down (Did you expect anything else?). Pay raises will be given to all employees who are ranked a four or five, however, you will be rated a three and one-third. The one-third is so you believe you are close to a four and will work harder, but do not be fooled. Everyone will be rated a three and one-third unless they do a significant amount of overtime on their backs, if you get our drift.

It is important that you keep your personal finances in good condition, as failure to do so could create a distraction that prevents you from carrying out your responsibilities to the company. (Note to publisher: in future editions, please place this section further away from the Pay Raise section. CEO.)

To this end, you are encouraged to bring details of all personal business transactions to the attention of your supervisor. For example, serious personal financial ruin can be avoided with a simple: "Hey Boss, this morning I bought a Dunkin’ Donuts Bismarck for breakfast at a cost of eighty-six cents! At lunch I’m thinking Burger King for $4.99, and tonight… perhaps a twelve-pack of Country Club Malt Liquor for $5.25! Here’s my checkbook register; what do you think? Am I overextending?"

We are serious.

This handbook was the result of careful planning while telecommuting. In a company as large as this, changes are constant, and it is impossible to put down, in written form, the final picture of our personnel program. It is also impractical to publish a new handbook every time we make arbitrary decisions motivated by our mindless lust for power.

In short, we will decide your fate based on our transitory whims and fancies, and you will have no say or final warning. The Company reserves the right to amend, alter, follow, ignore or laugh at these rules if it sees fit. The Company reserves the right to use these rules as evidence against you in a trumped up felony charge designed to get rid of you while avoiding an unlawful termination lawsuit.

In conclusion, welcome to The Company! Enjoy your stay, and watch your back!