How Much is Your Soul Worth?

An American Jerk Self Test

By Paul St. Fakename, Esq.

This man will pray for your soul, but that don't pay the rent. Get the most for your soul!
John Paul II tries to hail a cab.

First, rate yourself by answering these simple questions! Pick the answer that most closely matches your own....

1. What is your current occupation?

    1. Elementary School Teacher
    2. Humor Magazine Publisher
    3. Plaintiff Attorney
    4. "Problem Solver" for the Man

 

2. What do you enjoy doing most in your spare time?

    1. Helping children/the homeless/veterans/the poor
    2. Posting pictures of my naked ass for comic effect
    3. Repo work for wheelchair manufacturers
    4. Pistol-whipping migrant workers for fun and profit

 

3. Did you play well with others in school?

    1. Was force-fed my own UndeRoos by Big Otto the Bully
    2. Convinced Otto to pick on others using bribery and obvious flattery
    3. I was Otto
    4. Cloned Otto repeatedly in efforts to invade and conquer Quebec

 

4. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

    1. Maple Sugar Tree
    2. Mighty Oak Tree
    3. Money Tree
    4. Pimp Tree

 

Hitler: Funnier than Shemp?
"Slowly I turn... on my fellow man..."

5. Which was your favorite Stooge?

    1. Shemp
    2. Curly
    3. Moe
    4. Hitler

 

6. A nun and a prostitute are in a burning building and you only have time to rescue one. Who do you save?

    1. The nun
    2. The prostitute
    3. Hey, do you know how HARD it was to find that napalm?
    4. Though it would tax my strength, I do feel that I could carry one person in each arm, thus saving both. Then after they have thanked me profusely, I would shoot them each in the back.

 

7. What is your motivation?

    1. I pursue my dreams
    2. I pursue a comfortable lifestyle
    3. I chase ambulances
    4. I run over whatever displeases me

 

8. If you could assign the title for your position, what would it be?

    1. Social Worker
    2. Gaffer
    3. Bounty Hunter
    4. Don

 

9. What is your long-term career goal?

    1. Director of the American Red Cross
    2. Publisher of EVEN MORE pictures of my naked ass, perhaps in a coffee-table book format
    3. Brewmeister for "Blind Petie’s Ol’ Time Pure Wood Grain Alkyhol--Not Just for High-Schoolers Anymore!"
    4. Carrottop

 

10. What is your deepest, darkest secret?

    1. Once parked in a handicapped space during Christmas rush
    2. Have an "herb garden" for "medicinal" purposes
    3. Hit a hobo with my Chevy Impala after 2...4...okay, like 17 beers
    4. Planted land mines in the Vatican

 

Now to score yourself!

Here's Richard Dawson, shoring himself shitty.Give yourself 20 points for every "a", 10 points for every "b", 5 points for every "c", and 1 point for every "d". Now watch any episode of Hogan’s Heroes and drink a beer every time you see that Family Feud guy. Now re-score yourself, using only your toes to count. Then give yourself a hickey with a Wet/Dry Vac.

Time to see what you can get for that soul!

10-40 Points

Sorry, not only were you already headed for Hell, but you’ll be spending eternity inside Satan’s asshole. If you get anything in your deal with the Devil, count your damn blessings.

40-80 Points

Okay, you’re evil but you aren’t an overachiever. You were only headed for the Fourth Circle of Hell-- Pictionary with Helen Keller and Ray Charles. Most of your ilk get at most a decent stock tip. Play the race card, if possible, and angle for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon too.

80-160 Points

How does Purgatory sound? How ‘bout if Purgatory is wallpapered with pictures of your naked, amoral ass? You either lacked the conviction or the motivation to be truly evil. Or maybe there was always a good episode of Baywatch on. Either way, you should be able to get at least a late model Ferrari and the obligatory weekends of unreturned sexual favors that come with it. If you’re good, you might be able to get the Cancer-Free Warranty thrown in. Then smoke smoke smoke smoke smoke and smoke some more....

Over 160 Points

Your years of being, well, a wuss have finally paid off. Trophy spouse. More cars than all of Michigan. A second mansion in a small country near the equator where all the streets end in vowels. Of course, after five years your conscience will kick in and not allow you to enjoy any of it. Eventually you will show up at Hell’s door penniless and unloved. But not before being mercilessly beaten and driven through Purgatory by some Hell’s Angels who only got half a pack of Luckies and a nickel draft for their souls.

Main Archive Table of Contents

May, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Barely Enlightened   Star Wars Will Not Get You Laid   Gutterballs

Moon Over Star Wars

Employee Handbook   How Much is Your Soul Worth?   Gospel According to Jack   Tips for Living

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.