Somewhere in the heartland of America, there is an IT professional who treats his users with the compassion and the dignity they deserve.  Someone who genuinely listens to their concerns and, through patience and perseverance, works long and hard to help them achieve a more productive work environment.

We want nothing to do with that person.  

This is for the other 99.9% of IT people—drunken, rankled geeks who are paid, on average, generous sums of money to ridicule and berate anyone who dares to actually call them and interrupt their game of Half-Life.  After reading this, maybe you’ll at least ask stop and ask yourself this simple question  before calling them: “Is my computer REALLY broken?  Can’t I find a typewriter, a little White-Out and some duct tape around here somewhere?”

Complaint:  My e-mail to sasha@eroticwhispers.com keeps getting returned as "Undeliverable—return to sender."  Why doesn't it go through???
Resolution:  Usually I would say it's because the recipient's e-mail address is incorrect, improperly formatted, or no longer valid.  But in your case Otis, I'd have to say it's probably because you can't complete a sentence without using the words “Star” and “Trek,” you smell like a flounder, and your ass recently became the SECOND man-made object viewable from space.

Complaint:  Brittany’s workstation appears to run significantly faster than mine.
Resolution:  Yeah, well your workstation would hum like a Caddy too if you had 36D melons and blew me every other day in the copier room.

Complaint:  My hard drive seems to have crashed.  I had a 15-page proposal stored on it that I absolutely need for a meeting in 2 hours.  The proposal is saved under the file "cjindustprop.doc".   Please recreate ASAP.
Resolution:  Hey, remember last week when your computer started sounding like a washing machine filled with marbles and I said, "Sounds like the hard drive, so back up all your important documents onto floppies until I can expense a new one for you"?  No?  Good.  I've been waiting to use the words "shit" and "sandwich" in the same sentence all damn month.

Yeah, well your workstation would hum like a Caddy too if you had 36D melons and blew me every other day in the copier room.

Complaint:  Why can't I access www.hotgayboys.com through Internet Explorer on my workstation?
Resolution:  I'll have the FBI guys explain why as soon as they get to your desk.

Complaint:  I inserted my new "Dixie Chicks" CD into my CD-ROM drive.  The drive whirred for a little and then stopped completely.  Then my system crashed. 
Resolution:  Congratulations, your workstation committed suicide.  I'd fix it but then I'd have to bitch slap your pickup truck drivin', Skoal chawin', Garth Brooks listenin'-to hillbilly ass with a sound card and piss on all oyer purty pictures of Jeff Gordon and we just can't have that happen again now, can we?

Complaint:  My spacebar is sticking. 
Resolution:  When masturbating to kiddie porn mpegs, please point your love pump away from the keyboard, Mr. President.

Complaint:  I forgot my network password and now I can't get into my workstation.
Resolution:  OK, I've assigned you a new one.  Now at login just type "IAMADUMBASSDIPSHITMOTHERFUCKER". 

Complaint:  My cousin gave me a really cute picture of the Confederate flag. How can I make it be my Windows background at startup?
Resolution:  I'm guessing the ice cream trucks in your neighborhood play "Dueling Banjos"...

Complaint:  I can't seem to be able to load Windows on my Mac.
Resolution:  You're in management, aren't ya?

Problem:  I believe that my e-mail is being intercepted and read before I receive it. Is there any way to check into this?
Resolution:  I’ll have plenty of time to respond to your concerns this weekend, since - unlike Joe, Bill, Jan, Kathy, Ben and Ray - I wasn’t invited to your St. Patrick’s Day party. Not that I really wanted to go, since Jan and Kathy are pee fetishists and Ray is having sex with his mother.  By the way, you probably shouldn’t have sent the Regional Vice President that amateur porn mpeg of his wife being ridden by Ron Jeremy and the starting offensive line of the Seattle Seahawks.  You didn’t send it?  Gee that’s weird, because it sure had your name on it…

Problem:  System security just kicked me out.
Resolution:  I’m sorry; you were supposed to be kicked out by building security.

Problem:  I have a screen saver that allows me to virtually feed a virtual goldfish that I am having trouble installing.
Resolution:  I contacted your supervisor for the appropriate authorization to spend some of my $100-per-hour time helping you install $30 software that simulates a 50-cent goldfish. Your supervisor responded that I should beat your 250 lb. ass with a $7 baseball bat since your life isn't worth a plugged nickel.