Michael. A Chuck Ephron Film. Coincidentally, also scene 1 from Tonya Harding's Asscapades

I've been around the block a couple of times and buddy, if there's one thing I've learned the hard way, it's this: Ephrons aren't funny.

Nora, Amy, whatever the hell they call the third one, no matter what stupid first name you want to give 'em, if the last name is Ephron you could call ‘em Groucho, Harpo, and Chico and they still won't be funny. Those Ephron chicks are behind every movie you ever suffered through when your girlfriend wouldn't let you rent The Beast That Ate New York And Squeezed Out Jersey, or Tonya Harding's Asscapades, you know, Sleepless In Seattle, You've Got Mail, and that Goddamned thing where John Travolta had wings growing out his fucking back. To be succinct - Ephrons suck!

The latest Ephron waste of a Friday night is Hanging Up in which that same ol' Meg Ryan and two other ones you don't care about play three sisters whose dad, Walter Matthau, is fixin' to die. Now, if Matthau had already died and he had a pair of those crazy Travolta wings growing out of his back you might just have something worth going to see. And if he had already died and come back from the dead as a human flesh-eating cannibal zombie, ripped Meg Ryan's arm off and ate it, you'd really have something cool. Yeah, you'd have to wait until your girlfriend's dad died and she went out of town for the funeral before you could rent it. Huh? What, after all those Meg Ryan movies she dragged you to, now you're going to funerals? Do you go to the gynecologist with her so she can sit on your lap and use your legs as stirrups? Geez, who are you dating? Reese Witherspoon?

If you're really funny, all you need to get a laugh is one hand and one armpit.

But then I found out about the Ephron brothers - Chuck, Ralph, and Danny, the three funniest guys you never heard of cause their rich Hollywood big shot sisters don't want you to. These guys are a riot, I tell ya! Of course, they're not in show business like their pain-in-the-ass sisters cause they're just too cool for that crap. If you need agents, producers, actors, technicians, and a hundred million dollar budget to make people laugh, you suck! If you're really funny, all you need to get a laugh is one hand and one armpit. And God gave you two of each, so even as lame a comic as Bill Maher can have his own TV show.

The Ephron brothers are beyond comedy, man. Like this thing Chuck does when he runs up to people on the street and knocks 'em on the back of the head with a putting iron. BAM! I know it may not sound like much when you just read about it, but when you're actually there it's the funniest thing that ever happened! Unless you're the person he's knocked on the back of the head with a putting iron, then maybe it's the second funniest thing you've ever seen; the funniest thing will be the great big check you get from Chuck's sisters to keep it out of the papers. Go, Chuck!

But even funnier than Chuck's knocking people's skulls open is this thing Ralph does where he passes out while smoking a cigarette and sets fire to someone else's sofa. Man, it ain't a party until Ralph passes out and burns the couch! It's a pisser! Billy Crystal tried to pull that one off and he damn near demolished Rob Reiner's house. The part about Rob Reiner's house almost burning down comes close to funny, but when one of the Ephron brothers burns down a house, they really burn down a house! They'd have to identify Rob Reiner by his dental records if Ralph had set that sofa on fire. That's why Ralph always goes to the dentist to pick up the host's dental records on his way to a party.

Ralph's "His dental records? Why, I've got his dental records right here!" is rapidly catching on as the biggest comedy catchphrase since Steve Martin's "Well, excuse me!" and Jay Leno's "If I kiss your butt can I have Carson's job?"

"I got 87 sets of dental records right here!"

FIREMAN: I think we've got the body of the host right here.

FIRE CHIEF: My God! We'll have to identify by him by his dental records!

RALPH: His dental records? Why, I've got his dental records right here!

(Wild cheering and applause )

FIRECHIEF: Why - Ralph Ephron! You old slyboots!

FIREMAN: I love you, man!

BAM!

FIRE CHIEF: My head! Ow!

FIREMAN: Chuck Ephron!? You're here, too? Let's get shitfaced!

Danny's humor is subtler, like stealing a bear from the zoo, not feeding it for two weeks, and releasing it at the world premiere of one of his sister's shitty movies. I guess if you're the kind of person who attends Hollywood premieres, a ravenous bear ripping people to pieces and devouring bloody chunks of their flesh may not tickle your funny bone, but after the most recent batch of Hollywood comedy movies I'd bet you've got a severe case of funny bone osteoporosis. It took more hard work and money to keep the bear massacre story out of the press than it did to make the damn movie! If you've been sitting around thinking about actors and going "Whatever happened to...?" just assume they were at that premiere and forget about their sorry asses.

There's no telling what those eternal sons o' fun Chuck, Ralph, and Danny will come up with next. This year's Super Bowl has come and gone without incident, so I guess the guys couldn't get hold of a 747 full of naked Japanese teenagers to power dive into the stadium right after Madonna's halftime production number. Or maybe it was just too complicated to get hold of all those dental records