"I got your fucking final answer right here!"

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exciting evening of Who Wants to be a Mafioso! I’m your host, Regis Philbin, and every night for the next two weeks, we’ll be giving simple strong-arm artists and common thugs a chance to become moustache petes!

“Tonight’s first contestant, held over from last night, is Guido “One-Ball” Testosterone. Guido’s a soldier for the Gambino’s Fulton Street Crew who held on last night by correctly answering the question: ‘What is the only legal way to influence a senator?’ with the answer: ‘You don’t have to ‘influence’ anyone when you have pictures of them fist-fucking a twelve-year-old-hooker.’ Who’s that with you tonight?”

“This is my attorney. I told you last night I’m not answering any Goddamned questions without my lawyer here.”

“That’s fine, Guido! Folks, Guido, who’s a quarter Mick, would normally never have a chance to become a made guy and rise in the ranks of the Cosa Nostra, but by answering just twelve questions correctly, Guido is now an Underboss! Are you ready to try for Caporegime, Guido?”

“Don’t say my fucking name on television again.”

“Then let’s begin:”

A Violin has this many strings:

1. Three  

2. Five

3. Seventeen

4. Four

“Boy, Regis… that’s a tough one… I know a lot about piano wire, but not… I think… Maybe… C?

“Is that your final answer?”

“Well… Nah. I think I wanna use one of my lifelines, Regis.”

“That’s fine, Guido. As you know, you already used your ‘Shake down the audience’ lifeline last night. Which do you want to use now?”

“I’m gonna call a guy, Regis.”

“Who are you going to call?”

“A guy. You a cop or something?”

“Go right ahead. Call any guy you want.”

“Okay… It’s ringing… Hey.”

“What?”

“It’s me.”

“I know who the fuck it is. What?”

“I need to know about that thing.”

“What thing? The Harlem thing?”

“No.”

“The Staten Island thing?”

“No. The thing. The thing tonight.”

“No one knows what happened to that guy. He was in the place, and no one ever saw him again.”

“Not that thing. The thing with that loser from that morning show with that bitch?”

“Oh yeah. That last thing. And don’t call me on the fucking phone again.”

“Forget about it. D, Regis.”

“Is that your final answer?”

“You want a rocket in your pocket, smart guy?”

“D it is! Congratulations! You are now Caporegime! Let’s move on to our next question:”

Moses parted the following body of water:

1. The Black Sea

2. The Red Sea

3. The Panama Canal

4. The Hudson River

“Hmm… I’m a Catholic, Regis; I don’t know much about that Jew stuff, capise?”

“I sympathize, but we need an answer.”

“I mean, I believe in Jesus, you know? And that Jesus stuff. Like confession. You been to confession recently, Regis?”

“No, I-“

“That’s too bad. You should go to confession, Regis. What if you were to die, say, tonight? In the parking lot behind this building? Next to your car, the 1998 Gold Mercedes, New York tag number AL-1629?”

“What-“

“What if someone you barely knew, an acquaintance really, just walked up behind you and emptied, say, a .38 caliber Colt Police Special into the back of your uncooperative head? How could you make it to heaven if you haven’t confessed your sins?”

“Uhh… I don’t know what you be talking about.”

“What was that, Regis?”

“I don’t know what you be talking about.”

“I’ll guess B, Regis.”

“Final-“

“B, paisan.”

“B is the correct answer! Let’s move on to our next question:”

Of the following, which one is not a Federal offense?

1. Counterfeiting money

2. Transporting a kidnap victim across interstate lines

3. Hijacking a truck

4. Hijacking a plane

“Ssss… whis-shhh… pssst…”

“Your answer, Guido?”

“I’m talking to my fucking lawyer, which is my right according to that thing, with that chick’s name? The technicality law?”

“Take your time.”

“Psssst… pssst-wsst… Regis, this one’s tough. I think I’m gonna have to take my last lifeline.”

“Go ahead.”

“Under advise of counsel, I decline to respond on the grounds that my answer might serve to incriminate me.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, Guido has taken his last lifeline! By pleading the fifth, we cannot force Guido to answer this question, and he rises to the rank of Consigliore! Now Guido: if you answer this final question right, you’ll move into our upper echelon, where if you guess right, you will become the capo de tutti capo, Boss of All Bosses! If you guess incorrectly, you will be sent home, again as a low-ranking soldier. Here’s the question:”

The best-selling soft drink in the world is:

1. Coca-Cola Classic

2. Pepsi Cola

3. “New” Coke

4. Jack Daniel’s

“I choose E, Regis.”

“There is no E, Guido. Please choose one of the-“

“E. That’s my final fucking answer, you Mick Greek motherfucker.”

“All right. Judges?… And the answer is E! I can’t believe it!”

“Believe it. Judges need to make some extra on the side, same as anybody.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, Guido “One-Ball” Testosterone has become our first contestant to become a Pezzonavante! That’s all the time we have, tune in tomorrow night when our next contestant, Petey “The Wop” Sarducci, a pimp from the East Side, tries his luck at Who Wants to be a Mafioso! I’m Regis Philbin. Good night.