Mad Jesus: He loves mankind... and he hates crime.

Brothers and sisters, get a load of this.  The other night I was listening to Loveline, and the celebrity guests were students from Columbine High School who were on the show to promote their upcoming anti-school-violence speaking tour. You know, what a great way to find something positive in a horrible situation. I can't think of anyone MORE qualified to speak on the subject of preventing school violence, except maybe, just maybe, a student from a high school that WASN'T the site of the worst school shooting spree in history, which, if I do the math correctly, is EVERY OTHER HIGH SCHOOL IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD.  

What kind of speech are they going to give?  "Hi, boys and girls!  We're the kids from Columbine!  We're here to talk to you about school violence.  Just don't make any loud noises, because we might have a flashback!  You know, what happened last year was horrible, just horrible, because it took all the fun out of picking on the weak kids..."  Oh, and incidentally, they're just speaking out against bring-a-gun-to-school-and-settle-the-score-in-a-fiery-blaze-of-glory violence, not punch-the-geeky-kid-in-the-back-of-the-head-and-make-him-cry-in-class violence.  That's just good, old-fashioned All-American tomfoolery.  And Columbine will be offering more counseling for students who get picked on, anyway.  That's right!  Get beaten, see a counselor. I'm sure they'll have some great handouts like "How to Take An Ass-Kicking Like a Man" and "Why Is There Blood in My Pee?"

I'm from Colorado, and I knew that Columbine was a fairly well-to-do school, but I didn't know they were rich enough to have a goddamned PR department.  Does the sign on the door to administration read "Principal/Minister of Propaganda?"  A couple of defectives snap and you go on a SPEAKING TOUR?  Fifteen people die and you book yourself on a call-in sex show?  The answer to “What Would Jesus Do?” is not “Hire a publicist.”

Color me Holden Caulfield, but the more I hear out of these phony Littleton fucks, the more I wish Klebold and Harris had spent a little less time on video games and a little more time on pipe bomb quality control.  And these people have the brass to offer themselves up as an example of shining Christian charity?  Spare me.  If ever there was a batch of people who missed the whole point of the religion, it's these humps.  Either that, or they've got some weird translation of the Bible that reads: "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me...unless they're nerds.  Then go and kick their dorky asses!"

You want proof?  Here's a quote from a Time magazine article: "Seth Houy had come to the library to hang out with his sister and a friend; they ducked under a table and he lay on top of them so he would be the one to be hit.  'Honestly, I think that God made us invisible,' he told the Denver Post.  'We prayed the hardest we'd ever prayed, and God put an invisible shield around us.'"  An invisible shield, you say?  You know, I have heard of God being conceived of as an old man with a long white beard, and I have heard of God being conceived of as a mystical force inside every living thing, but I have NEVER heard of God being conceived of as Sue Richards from the Fantastic Four.  What sort of comic book Jesus are you waiting for up in Littleton?   If you're going to have such a juvenile interpretation, then why not at least pick someone cool like Wolverine?  "I am the Truth and the Way...SNIKT!"  MY God has an adamantium skeleton, and he fights crime!

If Littleton was Bethlehem, Jesus would have gotten his ass kicked by the football team and played Dungeons and Dragons in the band room.  Let he who is without sin cast the first twenty-sided die.

So let's go through this one more time.  Christianity is an easy religion.  It can be summed up in four words.  Four simple little itty-bitty football-player sized words:  "Don't Be a Dick."  Amen.  That's it.  Don't be a dick.  Thou shalt not steal - because that would make you a dick.  The meek shall inherit the Earth - because they're generally not dicks.  And everybody... EVERYBODY... knows deep down in their heart of hearts that no one... NO ONE... no matter how damaged their goods, gets to the point where hiding propane tanks and pipe bombs at school seems like a reasonable thing to do unless they spend years and years coming into daily contact with a whole lot of dicks. 

So people of Littleton, students of Columbine, my point is this.  I beg you, in the name of your Lord Jesus Christ and on behalf of right-thinking people the world over, to please pull your collective head out of your collective ass and stop being such incredible, insufferable DICKS.

Amen.