"I wanna watch the World Series, not Goddamned Scooby Doo. And no, I won't call you 'Chief,' you pansy lunatic."

Regardless of what the United States Justice Department may say, the Internet as we all know it would never…

Oh, wait a minute, I gotta answer the phone… The American Jerk! Oh yes, Mister Gates, yes, we're working on it right now. What? “As we all know it and enjoy it”? Oh yes, sir. That's much better. Thank you. What? No, Mister Gates, I've never tried to peek up your wife's skirt. No, I swear. Bye.

Regardless of what the United States Justice Department may say, the Internet as we all know it and enjoy it would never have been possible without Bill Gates. The recent court ruling that… Oh, the phone again. The American Jerk! Mister Gates, how are you? Maybe you should get a little sleep. No, I didn't mean anything personal by that, Mister Gates! None of us have had a moment's sleep since that decision… oh yes, Mister Gates, I've been seeing spiders coming out of my hands for the past couple of weeks, too. Do they tell me to go to Steve Job's house and throw eggs at his front door? Uh… Do the spiders that come out of your hands tell you to go to Steve Job's house and throw eggs at his front door? They do? Oh well, yeah, yeah, yeah, mine do too! They were right in the middle of giving me his address… What? Sorry if I interrupted you. What do you need, sir? Oh, "drooling subhuman mongoloids"! Oooohh, that's good! That's really good! Oh yes, sir, we'll use that for sure! Yes sir! Bye!

Regardless of what those drooling subhuman mongoloid at the United States Justice Department may say, the Internet… That damn phone! The American Jerk! “That damn phone?" No, Mister Gates, I didn't say anything about “that damn phone,” where did you get that idea? You heard it? How did - oh? Oh yes, sir, you want the name changed from The American Jerk to . . . What? The Internet Exploring Jerk? Well, I'll pass that on to… Oh yes, sir, St. Fakename, Esq. wrote the article about his Y2K party just like you told him to, oh yes, sir! And… what?  Squinty the Monkey Meets Rudolph? Oh yes, Mister Gates, I'll pass that on to Rob right away.

Oh, you are pushing a button that causes an electric current to go through my body every time I say something stupid? Okay, I'll play along with that before you get really weird on me, Mr. Gates. Ow, oh, that hurts.

And what?  You want to hire Ken MacDonald as a "consultant" to deal the Apple problem? Oh, you're going to send the iMacDonald up against the iMac, eh? Ha ha… That was a joke, sir. Oh, you are pushing a button that causes an electric current to go through my body every time I say something stupid? Okay, I'll play along with that before you get really weird on me. Ow, oh, that hurts. Ow, oh. I am in agony. Huh? You stopped pushing the button? Thanks. I guess now you're pushing the button that causes my skin to crawl when I hear your voice. Oh yes, whatever you say, Mister Gates, rats are eating their way out of my stomach right now, you are so powerful. Oh, oh, oh. Yes, sir! Bye… This is getting to be… Eh, back to work…

Regardless of what those drooling subhuman mongoloids at the United States Justice Department may say, the Internet as we all… Goddammit! The Internet Exploring Jerk! What? No sir, Mister Gates, I didn't curse at the phone just now I… Are you watching me? What? Something about how all those Justice Department attorneys in the monopoly case are caught in a motel room dressed up like high school cheerleaders? Uh, I dunno, Mister Gates… That's getting a little… Maybe you should have those people at The Onion work on that one… What else? Thomas Edison, the Wright Brothers, and the guy who invented that pen where the girl's clothes come off when you turn it upside down have all risen up from the grave to tell the world it should leave you alone before you grow up to be five hundred feet tall and climb up to the top of the Empire State Building with Britney Spears in your hand?  Uh, could you say that again so I can get it on tape? I want to play it backwards and find out for sure if you really are Satan or not.

What? Yes, Mister Gates, I am waving my left hand around the room so it can be seen from all angles that my middle finger is extended to any one who is watching… Huh? What? What was that URL again, Mister Gates? payjohnpay.org? Yes, sir, I'll look that up right now… Ummm… I'm typing… Pages are loading… Hmm, what's that? A fifty caliber machine gun… some people being lead in front of a wall… Oh no! My Mom and my Dad! My sister and her kids!  And - GOOD LORD! THE CHINESE GIRL FROM ALLY MCBEAL!!! No, Mister Gates, No! ANYBODY BUT THE CHINESE GIRL FROM ALLY MCBEAL!! ANYBODY BUT HER!! I'll do anything you say! Anything!!

• John's book, Monopoly, My Lame Hairy Ass, will soon be available from Internet Exploring Jerk Press.