If they still come back, try the Kiss live album from 1974. If they can sit through all four sides of that one without laughing in the wrong places, you know they'll eventually drop the Frasier Crane act and start telling stories about getting drunk and throwing up on the mother-in-law.

Never spend time with people who like to talk about politics, although it's cool to let conservatives carry on a little bit because they'll usually say something astoundingly stupid you can later repeat to black people in a Foghorn Leghorn redneck rooster voice for a lot of cheap laughs. But never listen to liberals because they may say something that makes sense to you and then you will be in mortal danger of winding up in a concentration camp once the people of this once-proud nation come to their senses.

Anytime someone starts talking about professional sports, just give the chump a beer and sell him something for way too much money. It doesn't matter what you sell the suckers; as long as there’s beer involved they'll give you fifty bucks for something with a logo on it that they know perfectly well is only worth forty-five cents and still be in seventh heaven. That's what being a sports fan is all about. Rock and roll used to be like that, but we finally wised up that we were getting popped up the poop chute, so maybe the sports fans will too.

Religion is interesting to talk about but only if you already know for a fact that the person who has brought it up has a regular job and isn't working up to shaking you down for a cash donation. If he is looking for some coin, just kick his good-for-nothing ass out of your house and be damn ugly about it.

"Booze and ladies treat me right..."

However, provided they’ve retained their amateur Jesus-freak status and are really, really wrecked, the spiritually enlightened can always be counted on for cheap laffs o’plenty. Wait until the booze really takes root, then tell them all kinds of interesting details about the Bible that they don’t know about, like King David having invented raisin bagels, or that the lyrics to We’re an American Band by Grand Funk Railroad were entirely cribbed from Deuteronomy.

I guess people who think Mel Brooks’s Two-Thousand-Year-Old Man is really funny haven’t spent a lot of time around religious juicers. The cool thing is, all you have to do to get rid of them if they get a little carried away with the laying on of the hands and the waving of the arms is point out the hypocrisy of a "Humble Servant of Jesus" getting wasted and carrying on about how much they want to have sex with Buffy The Vampire Slayer. They freak out and run off screaming into the night! It’s a blast!

And as for . . . Oh, everybody got mad and stopped reading? Screw 'em. 

Main Archive Table of Contents

August, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Dead Kennedys   Fast Times   Secret of My Happiness

Month in Pictures   Blue Moon

Stupidity   George W. Bush   Escape From Ricky Martin

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.