I. Our Creed

After six thousand years of religions based purely on second-hand drunk stories and blatant exaggerations, our people finally have a religion for, of, by, for, and of, them. STUPIDITY is that religion. STUPIDITY was established to ensure that Stupid people always have a pot to piss in or, at the very least, directions to the municipal swimming pool. Indeed, we believe that that which helps people become Stupid is the highest virtue. Conversely, that which tries to make people less Stupid is the highest evil and shall be thrown off a bridge in a rolled-up carpet, if you catch our drift Mr. Alex Trebeck. Finally, that which is in between is just Too Hard to figure out Right Now and will probably have to be the subject of our next Incoherent Diatribe, perhaps when our wife finally leaves us, or perhaps when we just need more money for beer.

We came to hold these views by observing the Eternal Laws of Nature, specifically those which manifest themselves within our navels while Drunk. We also came to these truths by studying History, and by using the kind of Wild Speculation and Baseless Conjecture typically found in your major religions. Our highest Law of Nature is this: for Stupid people to Survive, no matter what they Fucking do to Themselves while under the effects of ether, and to Procreate with other Stupid people -- people that they perhaps just met in an Irish bar, at a drunken soccer match, or even a Def Leppard concert.

We have divided ourselves into all kinds of organizations and causes, none of which addresses the most basic issue: Will Stupid children have a future? With STUPIDITY, this is the issue, and all other issues revolve around it like W.C. Fields around Milwaukee. Stupid people everywhere are putting aside their past differences and divisions and are coming together as one people, usually in different places, mostly at different times, and almost always with no idea how they got there. But these are all secondary issues. We hope that, after reading this missal, you decide to become a member of our Church and send us your money, for reasons you really don’t understand, on a semi-monthly basis using small, unmarked denominations.

II. The Rules

All viable religions have rules, be they the Ten Commandments, the Nine Beatitudes, or the Three Stooges. In some modern religions, these rules even seem plausible. But not with ours. There is a very clever and touching story of how our laws were derived: Senator Helms tells me it somehow involved mayonnaise, a map of Atlantis and a prostitute named Bob. But, since the actual story scares the HELL out of us and also involves persons still in public office, a more appealing, full-length version of these historic events shall have to be made up in another Incoherent Diatribe to be published at a later date. Suffice to say, Our Vengeful God handed the following hollowed proverbs to Mosi Tatupu -- some on cocktail napkins, most on prescription slips for Percodan.

I. If you ever meet a guy in Fresno named Larry, deck him. Don't ask why -- just deck him for me.

II. There is no higher love than a man’s love for midget wrestling.

II. Your lucky numbers are 3, 5, 17, and 345,900.

XXXIV.  I would tell you the meaning of life but you’re just not worth it.

MMVIXXAEIOU. Though we are in no was affiliated with the Catholic Church, the Feast of St. Patrick's Day shall still be observed, if you know what I mean.

Eleven. He who can piss the entire alphabet in snow, wins.

III. Our Sworn Enemies

While researching other religions over fine malt beverages in a Christian Science Reading Room, we found that we apparently have to hate another social group in order to be taken seriously as a religion. Otherwise we’d just be lumped in with Jehovah’s Witnesses, those Heaven’s Gate morons and Eskimos. Think about it -- Jews and Christians hate each other and Moslems and Hindus can’t be left alone for long without someone bombing something. Look at Buddhists--they hate everyone! Sure they seem peaceful, but have you seen those overdubbed Kung Fu movies they show on the Spanish channel at 2 a.m.? Who knew fat, bald people could be so pissed off? Must be all that incense.

After an exhaustive "prayer session" at IHOP around 6 a.m. last Sunday morning, we decided to hate the entire cast of ER. In fact, should you ever run into any of them, you are required to personally show them what a "sucking chest wound" is. With a dull skateboard. And for those of you who are asking how we came up with such a dictum, I say to you now: NEVER QUESTION A MAN WHO EATS AT IHOP WITHOUT WEARING PANTS. And keep your hands off my whiskey.

To become a member of STUPIDITY, do not e-mail us. Instead, have your financial institution of choice contact me to setup the electronic transfer of your funds into our account. Have them e-mail me at manwithoutpants@theamericanjerk.com. On second thought, I’ll contact them for you.

Main Archive Table of Contents

August, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

   Dead Kennedys   Fast Times   Secret of My Happiness

   Month in Pictures   Blue Moon

Stupidity   George W. Bush   Escape From Ricky Martin   

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.