Smart men know that St. Valentine’s Day is a test.  Unfortunately, it’s a test you can only ace with a big honkin’ diamond ring.  Since that ain’t gonna happen, it’s time to look into how much you’re gonna have to spend on a less symbolic alternative.  So answer the following questions and score yourself afterwards to find out exactly how badly you’re screwed.  Are you a Casanova who can get by with a Vermont Teddy Bear or are you…uh…well, Rob Reuter.

1)  How did you sign her Valentine card?

1. "To the most wonderful woman in the world.  Love, the Luckiest Man Alive.”

2. “Your loving husband, Long Dong St. Fakename, Esq..”

3. “I’d leave you if my ass wasn’t so goddamned fat.  Love, Paul.”

4. “Roses are red, violets are blue, your sister gives blowjobs much better than you.”

2 )  When was the last time you sent her flowers?

1. On our anniversary.  With a note that read, “Thank you for being just the way you are.  Love, Your Pookiebear.”

2. The last time I had to disguise the lead pipe and C4.

3. Does beer count as flowers?

4. I dunno, when was the last time she sent me a double-jointed hooker who lacked a gag reflex?

3)  What do you consider a romantic night out?

1. A sumptuous dinner with expensive wine at the finest restaurant in Paris, followed by a moonlight stroll down the Champs D’Elysses before retiring to the Jacuzzi in a penthouse suite at a five-star hotel.

2. A long walk in the summertime along a moonlit beach, lookin’ for teens humping in public.

3. Cheetos, Roofies and a blowjob in the back of a stolen El Camino.

4. “Ladies Night” at the firing range.

4)  What was the last gift you gave her for no reason at all?

1. All the love in my heart.

2. Two front row tickets to the Miss Naked Teen Pageant – This Year With Sens-O-Matic Grope-Vision.

3. Genital warts.

4. Dr. Woozy’s™ Home Hysterectomy Kit.

5)  What was the last video you rented when you were both home alone?

1. The Horse Whisperer

2. The Horse Whisperer Who Got Trampled, Gutted and Stabbed in the Eyes Before Being Thrown Off One of the Bridges of Madison County

3. Man Bites Dog

4. Debbie Does Damned Near Everybody

6 )  Her Valentine’s Day gift will probably be:

1. Flowers.

2. Flour.

3. A gift certificate to McDonalds.

4. A gift certificate to Ken MacDonald.

7)  When you finally “pop the question”, where will you do it?

1. Next to a crackling fire, in a rustic cabin nestled on a mountainside.

2. Next to the crackling fire coming from the burning crosses, in a rusting chicken coop nestled on the Alabama mountainside, as we listen to my cousin Cooter tell his sister to squeal like a pig for him.

3. In the conjugal room here at Sing-Sing.

4. At the business end of the shotgun.

8)  What was the last meal you cooked for her?

1. Chicken Cordon Bleu with wild rice touched with just a hint of ginger, peas and pearl onions in a light cream sauce, served with a young Merlot and warm French rolls.

2. Toasted Ho-Hos rolled in jimmies.

3. Does beer count as food?

4. Batman doesn’t cook.

9)  How do you introduce your girlfriend to your friends?

1. “This is my girlfriend Janice.  She’s smarter, funnier, sexier, and just simply more amazing than all my previous girlfriends combined.”

2. “This is Janice.  She’ll be getting bigger tits next week.”

3. “Hey guys, I want you to meet my future ex-wife Janice.”

4. “Hey honey!  Cosmo, Weasel, and Johnny One-Nut wanna see you do that trick where you put your legs behind yer head and squirt clear across the room!”

10)  When alone with my love, we like to read the poetry of:

1. John Donne.

2. Lynyrd Skynyrd.

3. Mein Kampf.

4. The Dr. Joel’s™ Penis Pump instruction manual.

11)  What would you consider a romantic vacation getaway?

1. Backpacking across Europe.

2. Oktoberfest at Crazy Adolph’s Bar and Sauna.

3. Belching into the Grand Canyon, just to hear the echo.

4. Hunting at the San Diego Zoo.

12)  If your courtship were made into a movie, it would be called:

1. When Harry Met Sally

2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

3. An Officer and a Gentleman Both Dumped You and You’ve Been Drunk and Chained In My Apartment Ever Since

4. You’ve Got Male:  The Astroglide Experiment

13)  “Your” song is:

1. Have I Told You Lately That I Love You by Rod Stewart.

2. Lawyers, Guns and Money by Warren Zevon.

3. I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her by Guns N’ Roses.

4. The Theme From “Shaft” by Isaac Hayes.

14)  Describe your idea of foreplay:

1. Warm bath for two, a sensual massage, then a tender, loving hour of oral pleasure.

2. Warm bath in cat’s blood, clumsy groping of the general breast area. then a tender, loving 5 minutes of telling her “There ain’t no goddamned way I’m goin’ down there.”

3. Laughing at those wacky midgets in the porno.

4. Walking upstairs to the Lincoln Bedroom.

15) When I want to turn her on I:

1. Turn down the lights, put on some Barry White and wait for her between the silk sheets.

2. Try not to piss myself so much.

3. Remodel the house in the style of a Roman amphitheatre, pay the rest of Menudo to dress in togas and kill some Christians, all the while yelling for the midgets to “Fetch me my drink, wench!” 

4. Rig her vibrator to the Clapper then watch Wheel of Fortune.

Now it’s time to score yourself!  Each “a” answer is worth about one beer.  Each “b” gets you two.  Give yourself three for every “c” and five for every “d”.  Add it all up and you’ll be good and toasted for when she finally dumps your ass.  Face it – you’re a GUY.  You’d love to be romantic, in theory.  In reality, you’re only in it for the sweaty, double-fisted sexmonkey jungle love that occasionally breaks out after you inadvertently do something nice.  You will never live up to her romantic expectations.  Luckily for the rest of us, the only men who can are gay.  Or hideously ugly. 

So here’s to you, gay men of America!  May you live a long, happy, romantic, gay life.  And in doing so may you unwittingly teach women that St. Valentine’s Day is a day like any other, meant by God to be spent hung over, on a couch, wearing underwear that just entered its second decade of use, watching the noble and desperately heroic struggles that face, on a weekly basis, the women of Baywatch.