Dr. Rob gives Baby her first haircut.

Congratulations on your new child! Dr. Rob hopes that your new child gives you many years of trouble-free service!

The pitfalls which could befall new parents are numerous; after all, there has never been an instruction manual for children… until now. Dr. Rob is a world-renowned expert on children with extensive credentials related to rearing children on file at the Suffolk County, MA Superior Court. This is Dr. Rob’s second treatise on how to handle children; his first, I Likes Little Girls, is available at bookstores everywhere.

FEEDING

One of the most biggest dilemmas that a newborn’s parents face is: bottle feeding or breast feeding? Most experts enthusiastically endorse breast feeding, claiming that the human body is the best source of the nutrients that a human baby needs. However, Dr. Rob recommends bottle feeding, because when you breast feed an infant your doctor makes you stop drinking.

Further, bottle feeding allows the best solution for the exhausting late night feedings. Most new parents despair over being awakened at the wee hours by a hungry, squalling infant, particularly since they just fed the kid before they went to bed. Please remember that, while breast feeding may give your infant the best nutrition, it does not allow you to add Kahlua so the kids sleeps until noon like a civilized person. You may be concerned that feeding your infant hard liquor may cause brain damage. However, if you’re stupid enough to follow Dr. Rob’s advice, it’s safe to say that the kid has two genetic strikes against his or her ever teaching at MIT anyway, if you get Dr. Rob’s drift.

The penalty box didn’t stop the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers, and a “Time Out” won’t stop your child from feeding M-80’s to the neighbor’s cat.

TEACHING SELF SUFFICIENCY

When children are born, they are completely dependent on their parents. Children should be taught to be self-reliant as early as possible, unless you want your child to grow up some kind of mama’s boy or pussy, like Norman Bates.

Go to Vegas for a couple of weeks. If this worries you, please remember that once, at age 16, Dr. Rob managed to operate a Canadian chainsaw after drinking two quarts of Boone’s Strawberry Wine. If your child can’t work a simple can opener while completely sober, the little shit deserves to die.

DRUGS

Dr. Rob strongly believes that small children should not be exposed to marijuana smoke. Make hash brownies instead. They taste great, and they’ll make the little tyke shut up for a change.

Just remember that sooner or later, you’re going to have to talk to your children about drugs. Otherwise, they’ll be mercilessly mocked when they show up at a party with a joint that’s stapled shut.

TEASING

One of the most difficult parts of being a parent is teaching your child how to handle the inevitable grade school teasing. Your best bet is to calmly and rationally explain that calling another small child’s mother an inexpensive and syphilitic prostitute will make your child the king or queen of bullies.

If it’s your child that’s being taunted, explain that the mockery is a reflection on the teaser’s parents. Feel free to tell your child that the only reason the tormentor was born was because “The German Shepherd beat his/her daddy up the stairs.” Further, your child’s self-esteem will take a turn for the better when you remind your child that the bully is just a person, and all people will eventually die, particularly if you hit any one of seven nerve clusters with sufficient force.

Finally, some quality quiet time with your little terror!

DISCIPLINE

Once upon a time, when your child misbehaved, you corrected him or her with a spanking. You can still do this if your job allows you to spend an extended period of time in family court. Modern society frowns upon spanking as a mode of disciplining children, especially if you find yourself “rubbing one out” on your child’s back while you’re doing it.

Presently, the most accepted form of child discipline is the “Time Out,” where you have your child sit quietly for a limited period of time and think about his or her actions. This is nothing but a personal version of hockey’s penalty box, where goons and enforcers can rest and have a nice drink of water after snapping someone’s patella. The penalty box didn’t stop the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers, and a “Time Out” won’t stop your child from feeding M-80’s to the neighbor’s cat.

“So if we can’t spank the little bastards, and ‘Time Outs’ just give them the time to plan the perfect crime, what’s the answer, Dr. Rob?” Two words: “Dart” and “Gun.”

EDUCATION

There is a raging debate these days about which form of education is better: public school or home education. Dr. Rob strongly supports public school; Dr. Rob attended a public school, and look how good he turned out.

However, Dr. Rob suggests supplementing the normal public education with home schooling; nothing fills in the weak points of formal schooling like teaching your child simple skills he or she cannot learn in the halls of education. And start early! A child as young as two or three will learn self-discipline and stick-to-itiveness when you teach him simple skills by following commands like: “Insulate the attic,” “Next time put some Goddamned booze in it!” and “Suck, don’t blow.” And since children are notoriously lazy, you can reinforce their education by occasionally saying: “Or do you want to spend some more time in ‘The Hole?’” 

Dr. Rob hopes that these simple tips make your parenting chores more pleasant. Dr. Rob’s third book on parenting, Honest, Doc; The Kid Fell, will be in bookstores in December.

*Don’t forget to attend Dr. Rob’s lecture on “Good Touch” versus “Bad Touch” at the St. Mary Catholic Church on February 22, in accordance with his court-ordered community service requirements!