11-1-99 p6

Not Tonight, I'm Too Drunk

By Rob Reuter

Has A Pokémon In His Pants, Is Happy To See You

Half Life with David Letterman

A couple weeks back, a guy who started stand-up comedy at the same time I did, working the same clubs I worked, was on The Tonight Show. I am not bitter about this, even though idle rumor has it that he and Jay Leno support their heroin habits by selling freshly lobotomized young boys into Canadian white slavery.

I've pretty much given up on stand-up at this point. I spend most of my free time now either producing this crappy little rag or drinking until I truly believe I'm handsome and charming enough to get the 19-year-old Swedish exchange student into the sack, even though sober I would instinctively understand that she's probably only speaking Swedish because she doesn't know the English term for "greasy American alcoholic swine."

It’s every comedian’s dream to be on The Tonight Show, but I gave up on it a long time ago. It’s hard to convince yourself that someday you’ll make a triumphant network television debut when the local comedy bookers tell you things like, "I’d like to use you in other clubs, but the owner of the place you were last night was a bit piqued when you told the crowd that his food made you shit blood."

I’ve been told by some that I’ve always been considered a "comic’s comic," a comedian that other comedians find funny. However, its important to remember that after going to comedy shows every single night for years, there’s nothing comedians find funnier than other comics bombing. Being a comic’s comic is like being Larry Fine: Curly and Moe get the funny lines, and ‘ol Larry just gets the shit stomped out of him for the general amusement of the others.

You know you have to work on your social skills when you’re called "a vicious, inhuman, detestable psychopath" by the producer who brought us not one, but two Sinbad comedy specials.

Part of my problem is that stand-up these days is only considered a platform to get a TV sitcom. Audiences are used to seeing comics whose acts can be translated directly into a continuing story line with a wife, two kids and a wacky neighbor next door. I can’t imagine pitching my act to NBC as a show: "Well Warren, my show would be about a guy who goes out drinking every night, smokes like Chernobyl, and hates every living human being on the planet… No, no kids; I fucking hate kids… Whaddya mean, ‘Who am I gonna interact with then?’ What about when the lead character gets pulled over for DUI in every episode? You think field sobriety tests don’t require interaction?"

I have had the chance to show my stuff to TV producers. I did a showcase for HBO a couple of years ago that was very well received… until I talked to the producers after the show. A little advice for other comedians out there: if you have a chance to get on HBO, drinking two pitchers of Coors, three shots of Jack Daniel’s and smoking half a pack of Marlboros while meeting with the producers just proves to them that what you did on stage was not an act. You know you have to work on your social skills when you’re called "a vicious, inhuman, detestable psychopath" by the producer who brought us not one, but two Sinbad comedy specials.

So eventually I drifted away from stand-up, finally understanding that I couldn’t compete for television time with people who fit in with their normal bland and inoffensive programming. However, I eventually realized that, on the World Wide Web, I wouldn’t be competing against the nice, unassuming guys who get TV shows, I would be competing against pornography. It’s hard for someone to get indignant about angry, dark humor showing up on their computer after they’ve just used the same computer to jack off to interracial teen bestial porn.

So do I still wish that I could be on The Tonight Show? No. Let's face it, David Letterman should have whacked Leno while he had the chance. But these days, I have another dream… that someday, some of these guys who rocketed past me into television come to me with pieces to publish in The American Jerk, and I can look them in the face and say, "Sorry, but I just can’t use you. If you want to be a comic on the Web, you’ve gotta be more offensive. Remember: you’re competing with a woman blowing a horse. Have you considered writing something about eating at the NBC commissary and shitting blood?"

Main Archive Table of Contents

November, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Not Tonight, I'm Too Drunk Olympia Dukakis' Breasts

Month In Pictures Kiddie Korner

Poetry Slam-O-Rama Ethical Treatment of Carnivores Useful Indiscretion eJerk