eJerk

Auctioning Off Crap Since 1999

By Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq.

"Elvis’s Bidet"

Item # 1876308204

Collectibles: Memorabilia: Rock-n-Roll: Elvis: Bathroom: Anal Hygiene

Currently: $1.17 First Bid: $0.75
Quantity: 1 # of Bids: 1
Time Left: 6 Months Location: Memphis, TN

Seller: Rock Star Ass 11

Payment: Cash. Coin of the Realm, American. You cheap bastards

Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item. Contact the seller with any questions before buying. eJerk bears no responsibility for the quality, delivery, failure to deliver, delivery of other item, delivery of only a card bearing the word "Sucker!" or any other foreseeable or unforeseeable incident, fraud, felony or misdemeanor by any party. Sucker.
Elvis's bidet: Purified by the holy power of fire for your protection.

Bid on this one-of-a-kind item and own a piece of Elvis history! By 1976, Elvis had bloated to the point he couldn’t… well… reach behind himself very well. On a trip to Paris, Elvis’s close friend Joe Mendoza purchased this for Elvis, telling him: "The King of Rock and Roll shouldn’t smell like an Alabama Port-O-John in mid-summer, E. Besides, those white jumpsuits are, well, kind of absorbent, if you get my drift."

This unbelievable item is made of 100% steel-reinforced porcelain and is in perfect condition except for two weight-bearing stress fractures. The heavy-duty water pump was designed by the United States Navy to pump out flooding submarines. A magnificent specimen!

BONUS FEATURE: This item was sealed in epoxy after Elvis’s death by order of the Department of Environmental Protection. Rest assured, this might contain some of The King’s final belongings.

"Wilt Chamberlain’s Big Jive-Ass Mojo"

Item # 2365696969

Health & Beauty Aids: Men’s: Sexual: Gettin’ Some

Currently: $22,147.00 First Bid: $.50, some aspirin, and a bottle of Brut
Quantity: 1  # of Bids: 333,345
Time left: ‘Til they start guarding the grave Location: Los Angeles, CA

Seller: SonofShaft62

Payment: Cash or Beanie Babies

Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item. Buyer assumes all responsibility for being an idiot and actually buying this crap. Lord knows that eJerk is run by a bunch of white guys who have no idea what "mojo" actually means. In fact, we are pretty confident that this is a trick and that you will wind up ugly, needle-dicked AND broke when all is said and done. eJerk—"Helping a fool and his money part company since earlier this year."
The American Jerk: Mocking the dead since 1999

Here’s your once-in-a-lifetime chance to bid on the sexual essence of the most-laid man in America for the years 1961 to 1974 inclusive. You’ve read the book. Now it’s time to get it on. Wilt Chamberlain’s Jive-Ass Mojo is quite simply the finest mojo on the market today. When you absolutely, positively have to have sex with an entire squad of cheerleaders—accept no substitute.

Please note: the Mojo is at this time slightly discolored and routinely oozing an olive green substance. Mr. Chamberlain’s estate has assured us that this was not an unusual condition for the previous owner and that the mojo has been thoroughly tested by medical technicians on real, live chicks. The swelling, they tell us, will eventually subside over the next few weeks.

Wilt Chamberlain’s Jive-Ass Mojo should never be whipped out in the presence of an open flame.

Wilt Chamberlain’s Jive-Ass Mojo comes with a complimentary CD featuring every song Barry White ever wrote about sex, a three-pack of Trojan "Small Boy" condoms, and a week’s supply of cab fare. Sorry, Afro not included.

"Richard Nixon’s Enemies List, First Draft"

Item # 7269572901

Collectibles: Presidential: Richard M. Nixon: Ruthless Displays of Power

Currently: $2.27 First Bid: $0.01 Guatemalan Pesos
Quantity: 1 # of Bids: 3
Time Left: Whatever. Location: San Clemente, CA

Seller: John Dean… I mean, States_Evidence_For_Immunity.com

Payment: Untraceable German Bearer Bonds.

Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item. However, the seller is irresponsible. The seller is in the Witness Protection Program, please do not try to contact. eJerk bears no responsibility for the fact that the handwriting on this list appears to be that of Ken MacDonald. eJerk bears no responsibility for the fact that this list appears to be written on official I Y The Backstreet Boys stationary. Please do not bid on this item.

"Pat took two fingers. I think she knew Wilt Chamberlain."

For years Watergate-philes have buzzed about Richard Nixon’s "Enemies List" that he supposedly gave to the FBI for conducting investigations. Now you can bid on this amazing find and own a piece of American history!

Written in a barely legible scrawl and smelling faintly of Gordon’s gin, this list shows who the "enemies of the state" were in 1971! Including such famous names as "Gidget," "Deputy Dawg," "The other guy besides Starsky," "The inventor of Scott’s one-ply toilet paper – probably a Scott something," "Timmy from Lassie," "Pat’s gynecologist," "Blacula," "The Secret Service agent who giggles whenever someone suggests he should take a bullet for me," "The guy who splattered something on the back of my neck at Deep Throat," "Chi Chi Rodriguez," and "Martha and those motherfucking Vandellas."

This list was found sealed in a trunk in an abandoned nuclear bomb shelter in San Clemente, only 42 miles from Nixon’s summer home! While experts are divided on the legitimacy of this artifact, they all agree on one point: "If President Nixon could actually understand and write in Arabic, there’s at least a 5% chance that this isn’t an amateurish forgery"!

Main Archive Table of Contents

November, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Not Tonight, I'm Too Drunk   Olympia Dukakis' Breasts

Month In Pictures   Kiddie Korner

Poetry Slam-O-Rama   Ethical Treatment of Carnivores   Useful Indiscretion   eJerk

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.