Are You Presidential Material?

An American Jerk Self Test

By Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq.

The Reform Party: "Doing some Van-Damage to the two-party system."

You look good on TV. You can spell "p-o-t-a-t-o." You know that fake dog crap is not the gross national product. You are not above getting a gratuitous hummer in a darkened hallway from someone almost exactly half your spouse’s age before you snort some coke and puke on a foreign dignitary. You are best known for acting in films starring a monkey.

In short, you have all the qualifications to be President. But can you get elected? Answer the following questions, formulated specifically to separate the Andrew Jacksons from the Jesse Jacksons.

1. What makes you qualified to be President?

1. My firm grasp of the issues and intuitive sense of right and wrong.
2. My firm grasp of a videotape of George W. Bush smoking crack with transvestite ACLU hookers.
3. I have a sincere desire to bomb shit. 
4. Saw Dave three times, was only stoned one of the times.

2. How do your peers describe you?

1. A bold visionary for America’s future.
2. A confident and trustworthy leader in spite of my long-standing battle with Halcion addiction.
3. A half-wit peanut farmer, but one who is unlikely to harass and electronically eavesdrop on my enemies.
4. All my peers chose to remain on Alderon V.

3. What is your wife like?

1. A beautiful, devoted mother and professional.
2. A national leader and role model despite potentially being a lesbian.
3. She’s only with me because she fell for the "I’m a Kennedy" line.
4. She’s running for President while I valiantly battle Erectile Dysfunction with my good hand, wink wink, nudge nudge.

4. What would be your first action as President?

1. I would push through the largest tax cut in history.
2. Presidential polling of the interns, if you get my drift.
3. Thank you note to the Don for the cannoli and the 14 million untraceable votes.
4. Name the entire starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers to cabinet posts then ride ‘til dawn.

5. If elected, what would your cabinet be composed of?

1. The best and brightest minds of my generation.
2. The best and brightest Vietnamese who contributed to my campaign.
3. Oak.
4. The cast of Captain Chesty and the Butt Pirates, Volume VIII.

6. What is your greatest strength?

1. My ability to inspire faith.
2. My ability to inspire fear.
3. My bass solo from In-A-Gadda-Da-Vita.
4. My big honkin’ dick.

7. What is your greatest weakness?

1. I’m a workaholic.
2. I’m an alcoholic but, don’t worry, the cocaine keeps me together.
3. I’m fairly certain I’m Napoleon.
4. Kryptonite.

8. If you were President right now, would you insist Janet Reno hire independent counsel to investigate the FBI regarding the Waco tragedy?

1. Of course, the American people deserve the truth!
2. Hell no! Not while the FBI still has that videotape of me and that nice young Chinese girl.
3. Who is Janet Reno? Is she the one who hit Geraldo Rivera with that chair? Damn, I love that broad.
4. Dammit, the burning of Jesus-freaks is NOT a tragedy.

9. Do you have a colorful or otherwise catchy nickname that could separate you from the rest of the candidates?

1. Dutch
2. Ken MacDonald
3. Comrade
4. The Delaware Dong

10. Complete this sentence: The person who has inspired me most is…

1. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
2. Fonzie
3. That retard from Life Goes On
4. What am I, a botanist?

11. The most inspiring book I’ve ever read is…

1. Profiles in Courage, by John F. Kennedy
2. 20,000 White Broads I've Fucked, by Wilt Chamberlain
3. Spidey’s Super Stories, by Stan Lee
4. Swap-around Sally, by "German" Eddie Fishkiller

12. If I fall behind my opponent in the polls I will…

1. Take the high road, hoping the voters will see my opponents’ sleazy tactics for what they are.
2. Take the low road, hoping the voters will believe my opponent really did have sex with those farm animals.
3. Take money from Social Security to hire goons for spin control.
4. Take Percodan.

13. In the face of tough decisions that could affect the fate of the world, I will…

1. Follow the example of John F. Kennedy.
2. Follow the example of John F. Kennedy and get myself a blowjob.
3. Follow the example of Bill Clinton and get myself a blowjob.
4. Follow the example of John Belushi and get myself some blow.

14. You are in New Hampshire, it’s 2 weeks before the primary and you are hip deep in pig shit while campaigning. Which is more important: kissing babies or kissing their mothers?

1. This question is extremely disrespectful of our female constituents and I refuse to dignify it with a response.
2. That’s a tough one…I like little girls.
3. Does mom have hooters? You know, like howitzers?
4. Where’s my beer?

15. What phrase best sums up your campaign platform?

1. "Caring conservative."
2. "I care about all Americans and their virgin teenage daughters."
3. "Chicks dig me."
4. "WHY ARE THESE GILA MONSTERS SHRIEKING AT ME!!!"

Ronald Reagan, 1946, high on crack, flashing "Crips" gang sign.

Did you answer predominantly "a"? Well say hello to the Republican Party, Mr. Quayle! Yes, you’ve never met a patriotic jingle you didn’t like and the only things your family has passed down longer than the nice teeth and white skin is your wife’s hairstyle and fashion sense. But it won’t take you long to find out that, outside the Midwest, people really do suck. Yes, once you get to where teeth outnumber cows, you’ll find that the rest of us are a petty, mean-spirited and cynical bunch who would like nothing more than to see your hick ass piledriven by a flying pig named Charlotte. Prediction: you will take Kansas and Nebraska but New York and Massachusetts will leave you an alcoholic crack whore.

Did you answer predominantly "b"? Hello Mr. or Ms. President! Yes, you have flaws and a past Mussolini’s mother would be ashamed of but, dammit, you have the charm to leave the "a"s in your wake and the large cash reserve to outlast the "c"s with the inevitable rumor mongering. Just remember to show up sober to the debates and you’ll be playing Frisbee in the Rose Garden with "Cumspot" the First Dog before you know it.

So you answered predominantly "c"? Welcome to the Gary Hart Hall of Coulda Been's. You had the charm and guile to pull it off but you just had to brag about that three-way you had with Madonna and a gimp in front of sixteen CNN film crews, didn’t you? Yes, we’re hypocrites. We’d love to party with you but we’ll be damned if we’d elect you. Because that lovable drunk ain’t so lovable when you think he may be hitting on your wife. Prediction: you will lead the race by a landslide until that fateful day your campaign manager forgets to duck tape your mouth shut.

Which leaves only those who answered "d". Like everyone’s favorite goofy-eared Independent, you will be an interesting subplot in an otherwise mundane presidential race. You will be the yardstick used to gauge exactly how pissed off Americans are with the two party system. And you will find that they are very pissed off indeed and that you and your outrageous pile of money can keep the race very close. Until, of course, one month until the election when you finally snap like bad beef jerky and start telling anyone with a camera how aliens made your poop chute a highway of love one August night a couple years back and how ever since then you can only get a hard-on during "Bring a Midget Night" at the ol’ Moose Lodge. Prediction: You will only sweep New Hampshire and the Greater Roswell, NM area. You will lose in a landslide, but cheer up; there will be lots of midgets at your concession party.

Main Archive Table of Contents

October, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

It's Sick...   How to Write a Humor Column...   It's Like, You Suck...

Month in Pictures   Kiddie Korner

Are You Presidential Material?   White Trash NASDAQ   Rate The Candidates

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.