The White Trash NASDAQ

By Rob Reuter

The Mussolini Beany: Teach your children to march to victory on a road of bones!

"Well, it’s 2 a.m. here on the Home Fleecing Network, and you know what that means… it’s time for our daily Beany Baby Extravaganza!

"That’s right folks; as you all know, the Beany craze started in 1992, when a small, unknown toy company began making cute, inexpensive, and highly flammable stuffed animals that children could carry around in their pockets. Now, seven years later, Beany Babies have become a multi-billion dollar industry, which is especially remarkable since no child has owned one since 1994.

"This stuffed toy industry has become driven by grown men and women, living in trailers and presumably allowed to own firearms, who purchase vast numbers of Beanys for sale and trade on the collectibles market. Even though these people were savagely burned by purchasing drawers full of now worthless comic books following the 1989 Batman movie craze, they persist in calling their manic purchase of these useless, Styrofoam-filled toys ‘investments.’

"So call us your on-line broker, folks! So sit back, relax, haul out your credit cards, and buy some Beanys: ‘The White Trash NASDAQ!’

"Our first item for sale is lot number BS-69, from the limited edition Beany collection commemorating the war criminals of World War II. Now, many of you purchased the Hitler Bear, the Rommel Fox and the Dr. Mengele Cockroach from us last month, and have already seen them shoot up in value an astonishing half a percent in that time!

"So you can’t afford to miss out on the latest in this series: The Mussolini Beany! That’s right; Il Ducé is back as a cuddly little bear that looks and feels exactly like last year’s Hitler bear, only without the mustache. This magnificent Hitler Bear-clone includes a length of cheap rope so you can drag it through the streets behind your car after you get sick of it. This cuddly specimen, manufactured for a buck and a half and sold in convenience stores for eight clams, can now be yours for the low, low price of $87.99! Think of the potential investment value, folks! Call now! You can afford it; remember: they won’t repo your car for missing just one payment.

"The next item for sale is lot number BS-0U812, The Millennium Bug! This adorable little silverfish is one of the most talked-about Beanys this year, but no one can seem to find it! Some people have gone so far as to hire consultants to seek it out, with no luck. We have it here, folks, for only $109.99! For those who don’t have the entire $109.99 this month, we’re selling this with our Split Payments plan, allowing you to make two payments of only $75.00 each! The Millennium Bug will be delivered to your house on New Year’s Day, but the Home Fleecing Network take no responsibility if it never shows up. $109.99, folks, c’mon… food can be found in dumpsters, and your children are small and wily. They can fend for themselves for a couple of months.

"Our next item for sale, lot number BS-99 Luft Balloons, is one of the most hotly sought-after collections in the history of Beanys. In 1996, McDonalds included an exclusive series of Beanys in their Happy Meals. These Beanys, smaller and more fragile than standard Beanys, were called Teenie Preemie Beany Crack Babies, and caused more parental brawls and riots than those pussy Cabbage Patch Kids and Furbys combined.

Ebola the Monkey... or maybe Senator Jesse Helms. We forget ourselves.

"Folks, this collection includes the widely coveted Pubes the Crab, Ebola the Monkey, Jack the Sperm and Senator Jesse Helms. This complete collection of twelve Beanys, originally available absolutely free, can be yours for the low price of $795.99! That’s a bargain, folks, especially considering that housing law protects tenants, even if they don’t pay rent for a few months.

"Our last item for sale today, lot number BS-16 You’re Beautiful And You’re Mine, is a brand new Beany, and sure to be worth several dollars. The Tie Corporation, always an original, groundbreaking trendsetter, has produced the most original Beany yet: the Pokémon Beany. Only 17 million of these Beanys have been produced, and they will soon be followed by the Tickle-Me-Elmo Beany and the Naked-Pictures-Of-Brittany-Spears Beany. Available here for only $1,999.99, this rare and unique Beany is a much safer and more sure-fire investment than say, health insurance. Besides, who’s the Electric Company to charge you for a force of nature, anyway? You’ve got candles.

"Well, it’s now 3 a.m., and we must close out this edition of Beany Baby Extravaganza here on the Home Fleecing Network. Please stay tuned for Cubic Zirconia Hour, and please stick around until 4 a.m., when we’ll be featuring a very special offer of Joan Collins’s new fragrance, The Way I Used To Smell, Before I Became Old, Feeble, And Unable To Clean Myself Properly. Good night."

Main Archive Table of Contents

October, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

It's Sick...   How to Write a Humor Column...   It's Like, You Suck...

Month in Pictures   Kiddie Korner

Are You Presidential Material?   White Trash NASDAQ   Rate The Candidates

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999, 2000 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq.