The American Jerk Month In Pictures

"All The News We Could Make Up While Drunk"

Top choice for Running Mate: Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High

December 2, Nashua, NH: Bush to NH Schoolkids: "I once smoked a joint this big!"

--"We can give you all our wine and a year's supply of croissants, but that is the best that we can do. No, wait! We can also give you our women. And half the French countryside. Ok, all of it."

December 5, Paris, France: French Police Surrender to Four Disgruntled Chickens; Later Claim They "Looked German."

"Let's see...that's 12 Cubans, 6 Italians and 2 chubby hookers."

December 8, Washington, DC: President Clinton Catches E-mania, Reports Shopping for Interns a Snap Thanks To Cigar.com.

They are also 90% more accurate when flinging their shit at anyone wearing a Celine Dion t-shirt.

December 12, Lima, Peru: University of Peru Study Finds That Smoking Monkeys are 32% More Likely to Drink Bourbon Straight From The Bottle and 56% More Likely to Know Ken MacDonald.

Gary Bauer: Coming soon to a YMCA near you!

December 14, Concord, NH: New Gallup Survey of Gary Bauer Audiences Shows 35% Left After Finding Out It Wasn't A Live Taping of Oprah, 21% Interrupted the Speech Saying "My Name's Jim, and I'm an Alcoholic," and 11% Were Only There Because All The Good Park Benches Were Taken.

"Hey, looks like somebody could use a 'Blue Dino!'"

December 22, Manchester, NH: Bush Addresses New Hampshire School for Narcoleptic Children, Tells Them: "I Beat My Problem Using Flintstones Vitamins That Are Specially Made in Columbia. No, Really; I Can Hook You Up!"

Also changed his holiday salutation from "Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas!" to "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, YOU PINHEAD!"

December 24, New York City: Santa Claus Takes Up New Hobby, Promises More Relaxed Guidelines Regarding The "Naughty" List, Particularly For Girls.

Main Archive Table of Contents

January, 2000 Table of Contents

Screwloose   Blaming Your Wife   Politically Incoherent

Month In Pictures   Squinty the Monkey

WAVing Our Dicks II   Meet Your Mate Online

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.