Hey, is The American Jerk going places or what? No, not really - but it does get invitations. Cigarette smokers from coast to coast were so inspired by Rob Reuter's pro-tobacco manifesto in the December issue that ABC's Politically Incorrect asked him onto the show to discuss the matter with wacky host Bill Maher, an anti-smoking activist, one of Maher's nutty stand-up comedy buddies, and some Hollywood slut for Maher to hit on after the show.

When I first learned of the possibility of Rob appearing on network television I was overcome with dread and sat up all night designing the same kind of solid steel restraining device they put King Kong into for his Broadway debut (Only with the hands closer to the head so he can smoke, of course). Fortunately for the citizens of the city of Los Angeles, Rob was permanently barred from commercial air flight after a drunken incident three years ago when he lost his sense of direction on an American Airlines flight to Cleveland and lit up a cigarette while taking a dump in the cockpit. "I thought it was funny they had windows in the bathroom like that." Rob says, looking back in his memoir Urinal Bundt Cake, "And all those dials and buttons, it was going to take me an hour to figure out how to flush that toilet."

You gotta wing it, baby! Gotta be improvisational! Close your eyes and we'll play an improv theater game called Who's Cock is it Anyway?

But then - Good news! No, not the complete ratings failure of The Time of Your Life starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, a surprise phone call from Ken MacDonald, drunk off his ass and just two hours after being released from the Las Vegas jail for shooting five hundred dollars worth of crystal meth into the Taco Bell Chihuahua and encouraging it to heckle the tigers in the Siegfried and Roy late show. Would Ken be willing to go on Politically Incorrect and pretend to be Rob? Actually, it was Ken's idea, but after he threatened to kill everybody, Rob gave in and began immediate legal proceedings to have his name changed.

Too bad ABC refused to air the episode cause, judging from the transcript they sent us (As part of the lawsuit) it sounds a lot funnier than the average PI bitchfest. Here are some highlights:

 Guests-

• Jimmy Walker - Stand-Up Comedy Legend
• Pam O'Meddlin - Anti-Smoking Activist
• Nancy Dubowski - Of the NBC Sitcom She’s A Piece
• Rob Reuter (Actually Ken MacDonald, although our lawyer isn't sure we should let anybody know about that)

SEGMENT #1

MAHER: Rob, you recently wrote something about-

ROB: Hey, get me a cup of coffee so I can do a "spit take" next time you say something stupid. Better yet, give me an enema so I can do a "shit take" instead. Ha ha! I'm so offensive in Vietnam they call me "Mister Tet".

MAHER: Rob -

ROB: Shut up before I gut you, throw in a ferret, and stitch you back up. You couldn't be creepier if you were Jerry Van Dyke in an old episode of Coach. You'd best disappear in the Federal Witless Relocation program.

MAHER: You know you'll never be back on this show again, don't you?

ROB: Who cares? I've got a development deal to host a talk show on the Asian Schoolgirl Bondage Network. They're all gagged so I'll be able to talk without all these Goddamned interruptions. As P. T. Barnum said "There's a sucker born every minute, but if you get hold of one who'll let you pull her hair and spank her ass while you take her from behind, don't ever let her go for as long as you live."

O'MEDDLIN: I thought we were gonna talk about smoking!

ROB: You gotta wing it, baby! Gotta be improvisational! Close your eyes and we'll play an improv theater game called Who's Cock is it Anyway? With Darryl Strawberry here it ought to be an easy guess!

WALKER: Who?

SEGMENT#2

Rob and Walker are sharing a pint of Jack Daniel's while O'Meddlin and Dubowski attempt to perform CPR on Maher, who lies bloody and unconscious on the center table.

ROB: Man, Strawberry, you got a raw deal. The cops never put me in jail when they caught me with coke; they just beat me up and threw away the key. But as Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill me only makes my bathroom smell."

WALKER: What are you talking about?

ROB: Oh, man, when are they going to come up with a breath mint that doesn't give you gas? But too bad you got colon cancer, Darryl. That Peanuts guy has colon cancer, too. He's going to change the title to Polyps. Ronald Reagan has colon cancer, too! That's where all those Young Republicans come from; they scraped the polyps out of Ronald Reagan's butt, blew 'em up with a bicycle pump, and gave ‘em a pair of Gap khakis.

WALKER: You're not going to kill me, are you?

SEGMENT#3

The center table and all the chairs are piled up in a roaring bonfire. Rob and Walker lead the crowd in a rousing singalong.

WALKER: Temporary lay off!

EVERYBODY: Good times!

ROB: Easy credit rip off!

EVERYBODY: Good times!

WALKER AND ROB: Ain't we lucky we got ‘em!

EVERYBODY: Good tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes!

Maher, holding a bloody handkerchief to his nose, brings Barbara Walters onstage.

MAHER: That's him, Missus Walters! Right there! That's the guy I told you about!

WALTERS: Now, look here, you -

Rob turns to face Walters and both of them freeze with shock.

ROB: Wha?

WALTERS: Oh!

ROB: You! That night in Tangier!

WALTERS: You brought me passion like I never dreamt possible!

ROB: You drank all my beer!

WALTERS: You taught me to give like I could never give before!

ROB: You got my Cheap Trick Live at Budokan tape stuck in your shitty tape player!

WALTERS: You opened my eyes to possibilities I never before dared to imagine!

ROB: You owe me fifty bucks for that crummy French wine you had room service bring up! You know how much beer fifty bucks pays for?

WALTERS: Take me! Take me right here in front of everybody! Bold and unashamed!

ROB: What, are you crazy? Right here in front of all the cameras and everybody? If I'm gonna get in that kinda trouble I'm gonna save it for the Rosie O'Donnell Show, I choke that broad to death on nationwide TV and I'll be an American folk hero! But I see by the old clock on the wall it's time to put a new clock on the wall! But remember, folks, don't ever call a wiener dog a "weinie dog", those yipey lil' mothers'll kick your ass! Good night, everybody!

Rob leads the crowd in song.

EVERYBODY: We're movin' on up to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky, we're a-movin' on up, we finally got a piece of the pie!

Walters is on her knees begging for Rob's attention while Maher runs around crying and shaking his fists at people. He was later found in a broom closet bound, gagged, and wearing a Japanese schoolgirl's uniform.