Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend for Corporate Stiffs

By Paul St. Fakename, Esq.

Dear ______,

New marketing data suggests, due to increased profits and the publicity that those profits have brought, that there has been a significant shift in the popularity of our product among new and exciting consumer groups. Demand for our services has increased substantially across many market segments, especially among the all-important 18 to 21 year old female demographic. Given this new information and our current strong earnings growth, we have decided at this time to explore these new markets and, at the same time, scale back the resources we commit to our currents markets, markets where we feel we have achieved almost total saturation.

We have a new-found confidence that strengthening in our lower-level infrastructure, due to our carrying of the popular product "Viagra," will allow us a never-before-seen penetration into this coveted 18 to 21 year old market.

As such, it is with great regret that I must inform you that our expectations for your position are being upfitted to better respond to our new corporate direction. Unfortunately, you no longer qualify for this restructured position and, therefore, we no longer require your services. While we greatly appreciate the effort that you brought to this position during the many (years/months/weeks/days/hours) you have worked for us, we feel the need to adjust our staffing to better meet our changing needs.

As stated above, we willingly acknowledge the dedication and service you have given us throughout your time here. But, while we hope that you acquire gainful employment elsewhere, we will not be able to assist you in that regard. Please do not ask for a letter of recommendation. However, rest assured that detailed reports of your performance throughout your tenure here were given, on at least a weekly basis, to all sources of potential future employment with whom we have relationships.

Please be advised that, since we did not enter into the legal contractual agreement that would entitle you to profit sharing, we cannot offer you any severance or support pay.

Be assured that you will be given ample time to retrieve your personal belongings from our premises. We will contact you at a later date to arrange such a transaction. Really.

Regretfully,

Your name here.

Main Archive Table of Contents

April, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Running Amok   Do We Really Need a Title?   Start Your Own Business   Breaking Up... For Corporate Stiffs

Moon Over Easter Bunny

Rich, Arrogant and Horny   The Final Word   Warning: Hazardous to Idiots   Reservoir Rats

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.