Warning: May Be Hazardous to Idiots

By Rob Reuter

Most people agree that bodily injury, or "pain and suffering" lawsuits are clogging our court systems, consuming our tax dollars and making America the laughing stock of even backwater banana republics such as France. These lawsuits place manufacturers at risk of terrible financial loss for the sake of low-rent scum who make a living faking injuries for easy money, often to pay off bookies and loan sharks who otherwise would make damn sure they understood the meaning of the words "personal injury."

One of the most common types of personal injury action is the products liability lawsuit. The law in most states requires a manufacturer to warn end users of any "reasonably foreseeable" ways that their product could injure them. "Reasonably foreseeable" has come to mean: "If this retard could figure out that your product could be inserted into his or her urethra and still be activated, you should have been able to figure that out beforehand as well, and have placed a warning sticker to that effect on your quick-drying epoxy gun."

Earlier this year, a consortium of manufacturers met secretly to produce a universal warning to be included with every product manufactured or sold in the United States to help prevent these common "failure to warn" products liability suits. We have reproduced this warning here so our readers, who research has indicated are usually treacherous compulsive gamblers, can get a jump on pursuing the liability suit of the millenium.

Thank you for purchasing this product! We hope that this product will give you many days, months or years of trouble-free use.

We have included INSTRUCTIONS on the use of this product. Please read them carefully and understand them completely before using, installing, operating, ingesting, inserting or licking this product.

Please be WARNED that use of this product in any way not described in the INSTRUCTIONS could cause serious bodily harm, disease, pain, emotional distress, or loss of self-esteem. Please read this ENTIRE document to understand the risks in using this product.

Unless specifically stated in the INSTRUCTIONS, this product is not intended for internal use or ingestion. Ingestion of this product may lead to stomach upset, skin irritation, loss of feeling in the extremities, uncontrollable diarrhea, bloody stool or urine, painful rectal itch, premature baldness, terminal madness, irrational and irritating use of the phrase, "None of your beeswax," or death.

If the following symptoms are noticed: blurred vision, nausea, necrosis of the fingernails and hair, blood filling the eyeballs, projectile vomiting of food products you haven't eaten, sudden urge to eat glass or to expose yourself to the little boy in the Welsh’s Grape Juice commercial (You know, the kid with the southern accent?), SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.

This product may carry the risk of electrical shock or discharge. Unless a power cord comes attached to this product, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PLUG PRODUCT IN. Do not eat insulation around power cord while plugged in. Do not urinate on power cord or power socket while product is plugged in. Do not cut power cord from product, plug cord in and lick the cut end. Do not use product as a cardiac defibrillator. Do not use plugged-in product for any sexual purpose unless sexual purpose is specifically described in the INSTRUCTIONS.

If improperly used, this product may cause severe abrasions, contusions, lacerations, amputations, castrations or putting out of eyes. Proper eye protection should be used at all times, as should proper hearing, hand, frontal lobe and genital protection. DO NOT PLACE CUTTING OR SANDING SURFACE AGAINST THE SOFT PARTS OF YOUR BODY WHILE PRODUCT IS ACTIVATED. However, such placement is recommended if you are Whoopi Goldberg.

This product has been found to cause emphysema, blood bubbles, typhoid fever, Ebola, hanta, anthrax, sickle cell anemia and anal leakage in laboratory animals. This product has also been found to cause nausea in laboratory workers.

Use of this product cannot prevent the spread of herpes, HIV, the common cold, crab lice or alcoholism. Pregnant women must not use this product due to the risk of a specific kind of lawsuit. Pregnant men who handle this product have more important things to worry about.

This product will not cure baldness in 20 percent of men. This product may cause ugliness in 75 percent of men. This product will cause lonely masturbation in those 75 percent.

This product will cause cancer.

Please do not use this product.

Main Archive Table of Contents

April, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Running Amok   Do We Really Need a Title?   Start Your Own Business   Breaking Up... For Corporate Stiffs

Moon Over Easter Bunny

Rich, Arrogant and Horny   The Final Word   Warning: Hazardous to Idiots   Reservoir Rats

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.