Prop 8 From Outer Space

A judge overturned California’s Proposition 8 last week, which means that gays can start getting married in a couple days and therefore you can’t swing a dead cat near a California city building without hitting some dipshit with a God Hates Gay Marriage sign. Thankfully, I am in Massachusetts, where gay marriage is already legal and I am safe from being arrested for hitting one of those dipshits with a dead cat.

Living in Massachusetts with a history in stand-up comedy means I’ve been to the odd gay wedding, which is remarkably like a straight wedding except a dude kisses a dude and to a one they had the decency to have a fucking open bar. So it’s kind of strange to me that the Jesus People are so opposed to the idea, so I decided to do a little research as to why so many people who consider themselves good and decent would want to stand in the way of one person’s love for an open bar.

No matter what they put on their signs, the Christians don’t have anything concrete supporting that God hates gay marriage. There isn’t word one in the Bible condemning it, and if you ask them they tend to cop to it. No, instead they base part of it on the fact that nowhere in the Bible is marriage described as anything except between a man and a woman. Which makes a certain amount of sense if you’re fishing for support for your indefensible position… except for the fact that the Bible also doesn’t ever describe Jesus taking a piss. So if I were them, I wouldn’t make “Following the literal wording of the Bible” the hill upon which they die. Probably of renal failure.

Turns out they base most of it on the old school, “God hates homosexuals” position they’ve been rocking since before priests found altar boys. It’s all Romans and Leviticus and Lambourghini or whatever else lets you write GOD HATES SODOMY on a sign with a straight face! And don’t get me wrong: it fits nicely on a square of poster board even if it means father O’Malley needs to duct tape up the glory hole in the confessional.

But…

If God didn’t want people to commit sodomy, why did He give us parts that made sodomy even POSSIBLE? Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t want to blaspheme or anything; I just want to snidely second-guess the will of God for a few minutes.

Now, I’m certainly not God – God is all-knowing and therefore would never have tried to bang Kim Molin between Junior and Senior year of college, and if he had he would have forseen the terrible crotchzits and picked another target – but I have been known to create some software here and there. And even as a low-level engineer, I know that if somewhere in your program there is an option that can cause a system failure, your average end user – that’s you, Charlie – WILL find it and try it. They will go days without sleep if necessary in order to find that option, and will use it over and over and over… and with then blame YOU for their “misfortune”. And that’s for something that DOESN’T EVEN FEEL GOOD.

So even I, your most journeyman software engineer, knows that if you don’t want someone to do something? You DON’T LET THEM DO IT. And you CERTAINLY don’t make the defect a big, obvious, attractive, “Hey, Loser! Just try this ONCE!” button… and if you DO, you don’t make that big, obvious, attractive button MAKE YOU HAVE AN ORGASM.

Look: where the rubber hits the road, I’m nothing but a 39-year-old drunk who does a little programming, but even I know that if you don’t want people to commit sodomy? Don’t design them with TWO EXTRA DICK-SIZED HOLES ON THEM.

So if God wanted us to keep away from sodomy (or: “The Good Stuff”), please explain to me why we’re not eating through a baleen and shitting through something I like to call a “Rectu-pine”. It’s not like these parts are radically experimental; The Bible says whales were created on day four and porcupines on day five, meaning that they’ve been through a successful cycle of beta testing. So why aren’t we rocking the right sodomy-proof parts if God’s so skeeved out?

Now, I recognize that the EASY answer is that the Bible says God created people in His image, which means no replacement parts. Okay, I’m willing to go with that: if we were truly created in God’s image, and God created everything from Nothingness and is truly the Alpha and the Omega… then what does He need with a jizzjack and a dookchute? Unless Genesis mistranslated “Let There Be FleshLight“, I rest my case.

And if we weren’t created in God’s image, that means that God is actually some bizarre, unknowable OTHER. And if the Bible is to be believed, it is an OTHER that for some reason hates sodomy, meaning that God is just a really shitty user interface designer who copped out and tried to fix the problem in the documentation: “Yeah, yeah; just put in the book that sodomy violates the warranty. I’ll fix it later; I’m on vacation.”

So if you’re of the God-fearing troupe, on one hand we were created by some lonely, horned-up God who created us in His image – probably as His own (If you go by The Bible) 6,000 year personal live sex show, or on the other we were created by some weird yet lazy developer looking to shuttle us out of beta and release us on time, and who hasn’t bothered to release a patch that didn’t involve Thalidomide. Either way: on a good day God DOESN’T CARE where you put your dick, and on a bad one he doesn’t care where you put it, but wants you to put it there slower and SEXIER.

Either way you like your God served up, it means that the only person who cares where you put your dick is YOU. And so long as that place isn’t ME, thankfully, that shit doesn’t hold up in court.

So the gays are getting married, Jesus People. Get used to it. It’s like I’ve always said: no matter who you’re sexually attracted to, if you want to marry them? As far as I’m concerned you are STONE CRAZY and deserve what happens to you.

So Mazel Tov, California Homosexuals! Enjoy your weddings, and remember: when you get divorced, you can’t stay on my couch.

[tags]Proposition 8, gay marriage, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]