As I learned at Comic-Con this year, the fine folks at the Westboro Baptist Church – tolerant, religious folk from the part of America where the banjos duel and the Ned Beattys squeal – would have us believe that God hates homosexuals. And comic book fans. And soldiers. And Ronnie James Dio. And basically anyone else blessed with a wang that could possibly elicit a cry of appreciation other than “Baaaaa.” Which means everyone. Except for them. But probably you.
But here at The American Jerk, we have long known differently. We understand that, no matter your race or creed, your sexual or Black Sabbath frontman preference, in the eyes of God, we are all the same: beneath contempt.
Oh yes: our God is a Vengeful God. And, as we are made in His terrible, angry, pissypants image, he is smiting us as we would smite ourselves…
With SCIENCE.
“Though the 8-year-old seemed her usual chipper self, she’d started to develop headaches and acne. More alarming to her mom, Sharon, were the budding breasts on Kiera’s thin little chest… As it turns out, puberty at age 7 or 8 isn’t so unusual these days. A new study, published Monday in the journal Pediatrics, shows that more American girls are maturing earlier and earlier.
Nobody’s sure what is driving the declining age of puberty…for example, Korenman says, environmental exposure to estrogens in plastics, chemicals and foods has been going up. “And estrogens do stimulate breast development,” he adds.
Great. It’s fifty years since the Surgeon General dropped a steaming deuce on the simple joys of the honest working man’s after dinner smoke and I STILL can’t buy a safe tobacco cigarette at any price… but between this and ten years of Viagra, science keeps chucking bones to pederasts. Pun utterly intended.
It’s hard for me to understand the issues that families with children going through this are experiencing because none of the fruit of my loins have this problem. Because Kleenex and rubbers rarely grow tits. And if they ever start, well, I hope you like this piece, because you’ll never see or hear of my drunken ass in public again.
But I digress. Not being personally effected by this issue, all I can do is describe the sadness I feel knowing this is happening to those younger than me. A sadness that is as huge and all-encompassing as it is completely and totally NON-FUCKING-EXISTENT. The only sorrow I feel is that I grew to adulthood before these lucky sons-of-bitches.
Best I can tell is that this little scientific anomaly means that girls are gonna start growing to full womanhood a full four years earlier than when I was a lad… meaning that they’ll also probably be getting horned up and frustrated four years earlier… FURTHER meaning that high school boys are gonna be at least a full order of magnitude MORE LIKELY to be able to get laid than I was at their age. Even if, like me, they’re dumb enough to wear Spider-Man Under-oos.
(And that order of magnitude doesn’t even count the cultural bump these little bastards’ll get from these revved up girls learning fuck-me posturing from Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga videos. When I was in high school the chicks were learning that shit from Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, meaning that to this day they love the mall, give shitty head, and will resist all efforts to render them pantless in the event that they have to kill a MechaShark or a DinoSquid. But I, again, digress.)
When I was in high school, if I wanted to even have a REMOTE chance at getting some activity that, in my desperate state, I could at least pass off to my friends as “laid” – a list that included a scrotum punch provided it was NOT followed by dry heaves – I needed to be able to improvise a line of fantastical bullshit that would make Lewis Carroll look like an insurance actuary. I had been known to employ rhyming couplets, occasional iambic pentameter, transient claims of superpowers and constant transposition of English and metric units of wang measurements.
But now, these entitled little PUNKS are only gonna need to be able to pronounce “sustainable erection” without drooling or giggling in order to break off a piece, meaning that if I had daughters, I’d be scared shitless of the lurking fuckstorm in my future, miserably crying, “Is there no cure?” while upholstering my rec room sofa and car’s back seat with Ruf-Grit steel wool.
SURE there is:
Until we know what the cause is, the best way to slow puberty may be to “start living green,” says Biro.
Ah yes, living green. The cure to all of 21st century America’s problems! Why, of COURSE you should raise your daughters to live green! Let them develop into dirty, filthy hippies! Because of all God’s creatures, the hippie is the LEAST likely to indulge in premarital relations.
It’s time to face facts, people: we are in a HUMAN EVOLUTION scenario here, and like it or not, IT IS HAPPENING. You can complain all you want, but there is no “bitch” in “Adapt or Die”… There is, however, an “A Dad Roe-Tip“, which is close enough to what some future society might call your shorty-shooter that you just need to shut your hole and face the music… which every year sounds more and more like a porno synth track.
At minimum, you’d better get ready for the inevitable education tax hike – a big one if we start giving proper sex-ed to third-grade girls, or a slightly smaller one when we probably cheap out and just transpose the names in “Dick and Jane”.
For myself, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m likely to be four years earlier than prior generations of men to have to buy a lawn to tell these teenaged boys to get off of… and that unlike prior generations, those boys will be smiling and hooting back to me through dislocated, hyperextended jaws while moving about with a bowlegged crab shuffle.
Which means I should probably come to grips with needing to buy a shotgun to chase these fuckers off. Because no matter how negligently brown my lawn gets, some kinds of fertilization I don’t need.
But that’s science for you. As a wise man once said: the future is inherently a GOOD thing. Sometimes, it’s better for some people than it is for the rest of us. Lucky fuckers.
Literally.
[tags]early puberty, dark humor, satire[/tags]
