Comic-Con 2010: Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right

An inquisitive reader (Who knows I know his home address and the name of his employer and should know better than to demand I do ANYTHING beyond drinkfree whiskey that he’s providing) writes:

Where’s the pix? I know there are a ton of hot chicks running around dressed like who knows what… you should be able to point in any direction and find a chick dressed as Hit Girl this year…

Thanks for writing, you filthy, scumsucking swine! I’ve known you for a long time, so I can only assume that your call for “pix” of women dressed as the pre-pubescent anti-heroine of an obscure comic book movie is based on some kind of weird, pop-anthropological interest, and CERTAINLY not the uncontrollable urge to look at pictures of idealized women in a way in which they can never question your manhood, and then jack off like an amphetamined ape in an empty cage.

Or perhaps in the equipment closet of the girl’s locker room back in high school with six soiled sports bras draped over your face, huh? Yeah, you just keep on muttering about “sealed records” and “expunged juvenile record”; some of us know the TRUTH. And trust me: you are going to HELL for leering at women in skintight superhero costumes! You will BURN FOREVER for your filthy IDOLOTRY and LUST!

I know this because these douchebags yelled it at me Thursday.

Yeah, the Westboro Baptist Church swine managed to find some time in their busy schedule of protesting soldiers’ funerals and high school productions of Tennessee Williams to come and protest… comic book geeks. Apparently they take issue with people reading stories about a man with incredible power, sent to Earth by his father, who selflessly toils to save us all… come to think of it, that IS a stupid fucking story. Only a rube would believe it, and certainly NO ONE would base their lives around it. But I digress.

These whimperers showed up peddling their bullshit across the street from the convention center, and immediately a gang of Comic-Con attendees started throwing together a gang to… shit, I don’t know. After all, these are NERDS were talking about here, myself included. I can say from personal experience that, when confronted with bullys, the nerd reaction is less to whip together a posse and more to clamp your nostrils closed so toilet water can’t flood your brain.

Like everyone else, when I heard these Jusus-blowing losers had congregated, I went outside to see what was going on. But by the time my girl and I got there, the SDPD had things pretty well in hand and were preventing too many people from ganging up to show them how OUR current favorite God, who has a fucking hammer, does his smiting.

I tried to push through only to be stopped by an officer trying to prevent what looked like could be a 125,000 on 10 asskicking. “But I’m press!” I protested.

The cop wriggled her nose. “You smell the part; most reporters I’ve met do prefer Jack Daniels. But no press pass? you gotta stay here.”

So I was only able to get a few pictures and some video from a distance, available at the Photo and Video Dumps. However, some of the comics press was able to get closer and do some REAL reporting, but what I can tell you from my own face-to-face reporting is that the Westboro freaks are WRONG. God DOESN’T hate geeks. I have proof.

See?

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For the past three years, Comic-Con has been overrun by tweenaged Twilight fans who fanatically identify with things called either “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” with a devotion that makes the Westboro people look like pissy-pantsed perseverators.

Since Comic-Con now sells out months and months ahead of time, these people (like the rest of us) were forced to buy their laminates up to a YEAR ahead of time… only to find that OH GOD THERE IS NO TWILIGHT PANEL NO SIX-PACK ABS FUCK YOU WEIRDIE DRUNK ADULT THE SIX IN YOUR ABS ISN’T THE SAME OHHHH EDWAAAAAARD –

Ahem.

Anyway, this made we non-Twilight fans rejoice in the knowledge that these roving herds of irritating Tweeners would be denied their fix… only to realize with dawning horror that, without the honey pot of Twilight to keep them orbiting Hall H, they would now be WANDERING AMONG US. Wandering and looking for something to do.

You know, the things that, in previous years, we non-Twilight fans were doing.

It has been well-nigh impossible to get into some of the panels that, in previous years, would have been a cake-walk. Five years ago my girl and I walked into the Robert Kirkman panel, held in a back room with a small audience, with only a minute or to to spare. This year we tried to get into his panel for The Walking Dead tv series based on his comic book… and the line extended around the building and outside. It resembled less a panel discussion and more a nightmareish scenario from whatever nightmare made Kirkman write a zombie book in the first place: “Hiiissss… sun bad… Kiiiirkmaaaan… Daaaraboonnnnt…”

Yeah, we didn’t get in. And thankfully, we witnessed no eating of flesh… after all, when pasty geeks eat each other, it’s not exactly sexy.

(Sorry about that joke. After three days of Comic-Con at capacity, YOU try writing jokes with this level of fatigue hysteria. An hour ago I wrote “POOP” and damn near giggled myself into a prolapse, so just know I’m doing the best I can.)

But we did get into a few cool panels, such as the Berkely Breathed spotlight (That guy NEVER does press or public appearances, so it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience… and since it was comics-related, no one at Comic-Con wanted to go) and The Goon movie panel… which was in a back-room due to being, again, comic-related, and therefore allowed us to get a good view of surprise guest producer David Fincher and the guy doing the voice of Franky, Paul Giamatti.

And yes, I have pictures and video of these events. Keep an eye on the Photo and Video Dumps, as I will trickle them out as time permits.

But either way, my point is: Even with the crowding and inability to get into some first-choice panels, Comic-Con still provides spectacle and more pure AWESOME than you can get anywhere or anytime else.

It’s just being surrounded by weirdos that makes it FEEL like it sucks.

[tags]San Diego Comic-Con 2010[/tags]