Wow, what a morning! I was awakened by the telephone at 6 a.m.and was told that I’ve been awarded the Pulitzer Prize in letters for my book Just Tuck Them Hind Legs In The Front Of Your Boots So She Can’t Run Away… That’s Good Lovin’: The Private Crawford Ranch Hi-Jinks of President George W. Bush! I am so honored, especially considering I haven’t written it yet. Of course, I intend to write it, and I’ve promised a bunch of people that I’ll get started on it any day now, so I guess they’ve just decided to cut out the middleman and front me the award in good faith.
I’d also like to thank the Academy for my Best Director Oscar for my gritty Holocaust drama Hitler? I don’t even KNOW her!. The members of the Academy clearly heard me idly mention to my girl, “I should buy a video camera. We could tape the fucking,” and knew that I’ve also really been considering making a movie so I can get some of that sweet Silent Bob money and my own panel and VIP passes at Comic-Con. I’m unbelievably honored that you’ve chosen to recognize the work I might do someday if there’s nothing good on TV that night.
And I can’t believe I’ve been recognized as the American League Most Valuable Player for my work as starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. I’m only one member of the team, and I just tried to focus on the fundamentals: get drunk, swear before God I’m going to invent a time machine to fix my shattered life, build the time machine, go back to 1978 and convince my parents to let me play little league instead of soccer, give my eight-year-old self performance enhancing drugs after slapping the pizza out of his chubby little hand, snap back into an altered timeline where I know how to throw like something other than a spastic with inner ear and depth perception issues, keep my eye on the ball and help the ballclub. I totally deserve this award for the crimes against the fourth dimension I promise I’ll start working on when I sober up.
A big morning indeed… but I was disappointed to find out that I lost the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama. He’s a fine choice, I guess, but… look: I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am just as qualified for that bad boy as he is. Just like the President, I, too, have promised to stop the practice of torture in American P.O.W. camps. I’ve promised to put an end to American imperial adventurism. And I also have sworn to provide health care to the indigent. And, like President Obama, I will probably get around to doing those things one of these days.
But the biggest kick in the junk is that I am just as much not George W. Bush as President Obama is. I should have been a lock on that bad boy, but what the hell. It’s an honor just to be nominated.
And I swear that someday I’ll get around to nominating myself.
[tags]Barack Obama, Nobel Peace Prize, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
