It’s prom season, which means that high school kids everywhere are preparing for that special night when they can get dressed up, go out and act like real adults! Real adults with wretched taste in formalwear who dance like Meth Monkeys and couldn’t hold liquor in a safe.
Prom has become a huge event in today’s high school culture; asking someone to accompany you has become known as a “proposal,” and couples are spending upwards of a thousand dollars on the prom. With that kind of investment at stake, you’ll want to take this self test to make sure you have the right attitude to enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime experience of eating a warmed-over catered chicken dinner in a sweatsock-smelling gymnasium!
- The ideal theme song for my prom would be:
- I Will Always Love You, by Whitney Houston. It reflects the time I’ll be with my boyfriend. 4-eva!
- Stairway to Heaven, by Led Zeppelin. It reflects the time I’ll need for foreplay, apologies and remembering if it’s club soda or seltzer water that gets premature ejaculate out of pink chiffon.
- Kill ‘Em All, by Metallica.
- I want the overall theme of my prom to be:
- Manhattan After Dark
- Vegas After Four Seagrams Wine Coolers
- Columbine After Homeroom
- I think the sexiest scent my prom date could wear is:
- Tommy Hilfiger for Men, mixed with the roses of my corsage.
- Ketamine, mixed with Astroglide.
- Cordite.
- The best way to pick up your prom date is:
- Chauffeur-driven limousine.
- Mom’s Diet Pills.
- Plastic bags and a mop.
- My prom would be perfect if that “special someone” would look me in the eyes and say:
- “You are the love of my life. After college, I want to marry you and have children.”
- “Of course, you can wipe your dick off on my knee! And don’t worry: I can find my own way home! And when I get there, I’ll e-mail your friends to tell them you nailed me!”
- “I am truly sorry for giving you all those wedgies and swirlies in the locker room, and I only wish I had told you before *gurgle*”
Now it’s time to score yourself!
If you answered “1”, congratulations! You have tons of Prom Spirit! You’ll have an incredible time at your prom, dooming yourself to finding the remainder of of your life a crushing disappointment ! At college, you’ll find yourself living with three radical feminists in a cramped, stinking dorm, and after a couple of confusing, botched lesbian experiments, you’ll begin nailing a pretentious drama major in a poofy Lord Byron shirt, become pregnant, leave school, and discover that had you made it to Sophomore English Literature, you’d have learned that Byron was an unemployable layabout! You’ll start blowing townies for the price of dollar drafts (Just to get out of the doublewide), and letting guys who say you’re glamourous while doing karaoke fingerfuck you in the alley, and maybe smack you around a little bit, just so you can feel something! Enjoy your prom!
If you answered “2”, you’re totally ready for your prom, dude! You’ll show up at the gym with your date and proudly hand over your tickets, only to be rudely hauled out of line by the detail cop on duty because you reek of Southern Comfort and Robitussin! When they release you on bail the next morning, your date will dump you for being a thoughtless brute who ruined the prom for her, and you will totally fail to dip that ‘tang, dawg! However, once you start college, you’ll realize that your problem is that chicks dig sensitive dudes, and you’ll run out and get yourself a poofy Lord Byron shirt!
If you answered “3”, shame on you! You don’t have anywhere near enough prom spirit, and there’s nothing that ruins a prom faster than a gloomygus with a sourpuss and an AR-15. So it’s probably best that you skip the prom and head directly to college, secure in the knowledge that you have a bright future as a stand-up comedian, a disc jockey, or maybe as the editor of an Internet humor magazine.
[tags]Senior Prom, Junior Prom, Sophomore Semiformal, School Dance, School Spirit, college, dark humor, satire, self test[/tags]
