I had my prostate checked this morning and if I’ve got to write about something this afternoon I’m going to write about having my prostate checked. Ordinarily I couldn’t think of a more awful thing to write about but since that awful thing actually happened to me a mere two-and-a-half hours ago you can surely understand why I am in no mood for a droll take off on the winner of “American Idol” or the latest antics of the Bush Administration.
The thing I do not understand about prostates is how you never heard anything about them until I, John Saleeby, became a middle aged man. Go ahead, skim through all the Great Works Of Literature like “Moby Dick”, “War And Peace”, and “The Great Gatsby” and if you can find a single thing in there about prostates, I’ll let you shove your finger up my ass. I must have read a thousand biographies of the leading figures of Western Civilization – Napoleon, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill – and not once do I remember reading anything about of these Historic Titans dropping their pants, bending over, and allowing another person to shove their fingers up their asses.
Archeologists from around the World and throughout the Ages have journeyed to the Tombs Of Ancient Egypt to examine the centuries-old Hieroglyphics with which the lives of the Great Pharoahs were recorded with studious detail, but has anyone ever discovered one-dimensional wall paintings of a man with a dog’s head on top of his body shoving his finger up another man with a crocodile’s head on top of his body’s ass? NO!!!
Millenniums and millenniums passed without a single finger up a single ass (Editor’s Note: Clearly John has never been to Greece), but as soon as John Saleeby humbly steps upon History’s Great Stage the only use the World has for him is shoving a finger up his ass! Goddammit, just go back as far as the Seventies, the most depraved decade of Modern Times – Anything about prostates in all those sicko John Waters movies like “Pink Flamingos”? NO! How about all those tooty fruity David Bowie-Alice Cooper Glitter Rock records? NOTHING!
The Golden Age of Sick Comedy like Monty Python or The National Lampoon? NOT A WORD! But as soon as John Saleeby becomes middle aged, the Surgeon General Decrees That All Middle Aged Men Drop Their Pants, Bend Over, And Let Some Bastard Shove His Finger Up Their Ass Once A Year! And to add insult to injury, they’ve got to put on a rubber glove as if it is SUCH an inconvenience to THEM! What? They don’t use a glove when they check you guys? Allright! That’s it! I’ll just take cancer! I’m sure that will be funnier to write about than getting a finger shoved up…
Eh, I’m sick of it.
[tags]prostate exam, medicine, pharoahs, cancer, dark humor, satire[/tags]
