Not Trolling: The NSA Telephone Records of The American Jerk

Editor’s Note: Many people were concerned by this week’s revelation that the National Security Agency has been compiling a database of every telephone call placed in the United States.

Some call this an invasion of privacy, but those people are paranoid. Our President has plainly stated that the database is being compiled only for use with a sophisticated computer algorithm that differentiates between innocuous calls and patterns of calls from dangerous individuals intent upon causing harm to American citizens.

As proof that this database can only detect patterns to flag potential terrorists, below is yesterday’s NSA log of calls to and from The American Jerk Home Office. I hope that this will prove that there is no chance that this database could be used for any purpose except to identify those who mean to do harm to Americans.

• 5/11/2006, 6:42 PM, 617-555-7121 (Call to Bunghole Liquors delivery line) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 7:10 PM, 617-555-2181 (Call to Boston Domino’s Pizza delivery line) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 7:58 PM, 617-555-7121 (Call to Bunghole Liquors delivery line) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:12 PM, 617-555-7121 (Call to Bunghole Liquors delivery line, pressed ‘2’ for expedited bulk delivery) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:22 PM, 617-555-6401 (Call to Comcast Pay-Per-View line, pressed ‘*25’ for ordering Play It To The Bone) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:24 PM, 617-555-6401 (Call to Comcast Pay-Per-View line, pressed ‘*26’ for ‘The movie I ordered is not what I thought it was going to be’) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:35 PM, 617-555-6496 (Call to Escape and Relax Escort Service) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:37 PM, Incoming call from 617-555-6496 (Escape and Relax Escort Service) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:39 PM, 800-555-2675 (Call to American Express emergency credit limit increase hotline) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 9:35 PM, 617-555-6496 (Call to Escape and Relax Escort Service) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 10:42 PM, incomplete data (Call to ‘9-1’ and hangup) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 10:43 PM, incomplete data (Call to ‘9-1’ and hangup) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 10:48 PM, 617-555-3958 (Call to Boston Home Depot Home Delivery line. Pressed ‘#’ for ‘urgent delivery’, ‘*29’ for ‘plastic tarpulin’, ‘*64′ for ’50 lb. sack of lime’, and ‘*78’ for ‘shovel’.) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 10:50 PM, 800-555-9246 (Call to United States Postal Service Passport Information line. Pressed ‘8’ for ‘Expedited passport request’, ‘1’ for ‘Frequently Asked Questions’, Pressed ‘32536263’ (Likely algorithmic match: ‘fakename’)) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 10:54 PM, 617-555-2696 (Call to Filthy Manny’s ID Express). – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 11:02 PM, incoming call from 617-555-2696 (Filthy Manny’s ID Express) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006,11:07 PM, 800-555-2675 (Call to American Express emergency credit limit increase hotline) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 11:10 PM, 617-555-2696 (Call to Filthy Manny’s ID Express) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 11:15 PM, 800-555-9452 (Call to Costa Rican Airlines reservation line) – Call not suspicious
• 5/11/2006, 11:20 PM, 800-344-7233 (Call to DigSafe) – Call not suspicious
• 5/12/2006, 1:12 AM, 617-555-7392 (Call to Boston E-Z Convenience Delivery. Pressed ‘*49’ for Gatorade, ‘*82’ for Lava Hand Soap, ‘*28’ for hummus———Flag caller as potential terrorist———, ‘*34’ for Fabreze Blood Stain Remover) – remainder of call not suspicious

[tags]National Security Agency, NSA, telephone call, surveillance, database, Al Queda, FISA, dark humor, satire[/tags]