What is Bird Flu?
Like humans and other species, birds are susceptible to the flu. Bird Influenza viruses can spread and infect many types of animals, including pigs, horses, seals and whales. Bird flu is commonly discovered during migration seasons, the Monday after the Super Bowl, or when a bird, pig, horse or whale has a job interview and no vacation time.
How do humans catch Bird Flu?
Birds’ feces contain a massive volume of influenza virus. Therefore, to avoid catching the flu directly from a bird, we recommend you avoid eating chicken assholes, no matter how much you like McNuggets, or how loudly the chicken whines that it’s the only way she can get off.
Can the Bird Flu spread between humans?
Currently, the evidence indicates that no matter how fearsome the idea of catching this disease is, there is no way, if you are in the average American demographic group, that you can catch this disease and die from it. Unless it mutates.
If it does, our best research indicates that the only things that will protect you are cigarette smoking, excessive cholesterol levels in the blood, unprotected anonymous homosexual intercourse, intravenous drug use with Haitians sporting obvious skin lesions, and irony.
If a Bird Flu pandemic were to strike the United States, what would life be like?
Have you ever seen the TV miniseries The Stand, about an outbreak of genetically modified “superflu” virus? It would be just like that. Not to be alarmist, but experiencing a Bird Flu pandemic would be just like watching eight hours of Molly Ringwald trying to act. The living will envy the dead. Thankfully, the living will not, however, envy Anthony Michael Hall.
If a Bird Flu pandemic hits America, where is the safest place to be?
Apparently Georgia. Although without benefit of chickens and their convenient inability hire lawyers, you will be asked to squeal like a pig, and Bird Flu spreads easily to pigs. However, if it reaches that point, it is unlikely to be an issue for you, since you will want to die.
What can I do to avoid catching Bird Flu?
The best thing you can do is avoid eating any kind of fowl. The only way to avoid a pants-shitting, painful death is to completely eliminate chicken, turkey, and duck from your diet!*
—————————-
*This American Jerk Guide has been sponsored by the Beef Cattlemen’s Association of America, reminding you: Beef! It’s what’s non-lethal for dinner!**
**Technically, it’s the drowning in your own spittle while trying vainly to puzzle out Blue’s Clues that kills you, not the Mad Cow Disease.
[tags]Bird Flu, Avian Influenza, pandemic, epidemic, dark humor, parody, satire[/tags]
