Are You Harvard University Material?

Thank you for your interest in applying to Harvard University! As you are no doubt aware, we are accepting an incoming Freshman class size of 1,650 students. However, since we receive more than ten times that many applications, we can only afford to admit the most qualified applicants. So please take this short self test to determine if you have what it takes to be a Harvard student!

• I plan to use my Harvard Diploma:
  1. To obtain gainful employment in the law, arts or sciences, and use the education and life skills I learned at Harvard to better myself and benefit my employer and society.
  2. Rolled up really tight to blow lines off a debutante’s cleavage in Daddy’s Ferrari.
  3. To replace the one I laser-printed for myself to obtain my book contract.
• I want to go to Harvard because:
  1. It offers, unquestionably, the finest education available in America, if not the world.
  2. It offers, unquestionably, the finest sheltered bookworm chicks to impress with the BMW, Scorpion Bowl up and Donkey Punch back down.
  3. Because I signed the book deal and sent in the manuscript, so it’s too late for me to find a book about Yale to copy.
• My College Aptitude scores were:
  1. 1680.
  2. 16 and as many zeroes as my dad spent on your new fieldhouse.
  3. 1680, just like the guy I was sitting next to.
• If I were to write a new, completely original motto for Harvard, it would be:
  1. While I respect the current Harvard motto, “veritas“, I would reccomend integritas.
  2. Legacy. Except on Saturday nights, when I’d totally go for Sambucatas and Bitchitas.
  3. Veritas.
• For me, the two most difficult parts of writing are:
  1. Determining an overall theme (since the entire piece must serve it), and drafting a satisfying denouement.
  2. Finding a Sharpie, and a drunk guy with a forehead big enough to fit “I Luv Cock.”
  3. Copying and pasting.

Thank you for taking this self test! If you answered “1” for all the questions, you are probably Harvard material. Unfortunately, our incoming class in completely filled with legacy students, and one girl with a two book contract, which should work out swimmingly for us! We wish you luck with all your future endeavors, and yes, we would like fries with that.

[tags]Kaavya Viswanathan, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Harvard University, Plagiarism, dark humor, satire[/tags]