Editor’s Note: Having failed miserably in my great experiment to watch all the Oscar-nominated movies before the awards ceremony, I tuned in for the same reason as everyone else who isn’t living in Hollywood, obsessed with fashion and vintage jewelry, or gay: to see if someone would go completely off the rails during a live broadcast.
Our best chance was Mickey Rourke, who had he won might have begun distractedly yammering about his dead dog, or perhaps the glory days of his acting career and Kim Basinger’s bazooms. But having been shafted by Sean Penn, this year’s Oscars was just as plain vanilla as every other year Angelina Jolie doesn’t get to wave around a gold phallus and intimate about fucking her brother.
Sadly, it occurs to me that, even when a borderline personality gets the spotlight, we never get any really interesting screeching at the Oscars. Even the weirdos stick to the Thank You Agent / Director / Acting Coach / Jesus script, which just makes the whole thing boring. So in a retroactive attempt to spice the mess up, here’s a list of things you will never hear spontaneously uttered at the Academy Awards:
- Where do I plug in the clit bumper attachment on this thing?
- I put my heart and soul into crafting my performance of The Joker, now for the love of God, let me out of this box!
- If I can just get political for a moment: whites are the master race.
- My stylist made me up like a powdered whore. Fuck that guy.
- I’d like to thank my father, Billy Ray.
- Nobody thought a sequel could win, but they didn’t count on a little picture called AssRammers 19.
- I’d like to thank the director who cast me in the difficult role of a straight guy with normal mental faculties who wasn’t in the Holocaust.
- None of this would be possible without the work of Manny Finkelstein: the best and hardest-working damned stunt-cum in the business.
- And the Oscar goes to Uwe Boll.
- Suck it, Streep!
[tags] 2008 Academy Awards, Oscars, dark humor, satire[/tags]
