Why are the prices you’re setting for gasoline so high?
The forces driving gasoline prices are varied and market-driven. Heightened demand has raised crude oil prices, which in turn makes refining that oil into gasoline more expensive. Increased refininery costs trickle down to the pump, and in turn make services such as those provided by housekeepers and landscapers more expensive, which causes us to jack up the price of our gas, because we’ll be fucked before we have to give those greedy illegals money out of our pocket.
So in short: the cause of high gasoline prices is Mexicans.
Will buying a hybrid car help?
Sure, if you don’t mind people thinking that you’re a big wuss.
Let’s be realistic: Schwarzenegger drives a Hummer and he gets more Tang than an astronaut. Guys who drive a Prius get treehugging chicks with hairy armpits who think all sex is rape (Which is bullshit. If anyone knows what rape is, it’s us. We’re in the oil business).
Is the lack of competition affecting oil prices?
The idea that there is some kind of conspiracy between the four major oil companies is as unfortunate as it is untrue. There is plenty of competition between us. And while we compete, we agree on tomorrow’s gas price before the cart gets to the next hole.
Will taking public transportation or bicycling to work help?
Sure! We in the oil industry think it’s a brilliant idea to ride on a crowded public train, so long as you don’t mind catching Bird Flu and dying. And riding a bicycle every day does wonders for your health. Ask Lance Armstrong and his one ball. Or, you can take a cue from Jeff Gordon, who when he’s not driving, uses his Pepsi endorsement millions to bang strippers. It’s totally your call.
Will the President’s new plan to stop stockpiling oil in America’s strategic petroleum reserve help?
Absolutely! When the government stops buying reserve oil from us at a ridiculously discounted rate, the President has no problem with us selling it to you at $3.50 a gallon! That’s what we like about the last couple Presidents; they understand that the oil industry works by supply and demand. We demand that they supply us with enough customers that we forget to have them killed, and they usually cough it up.
Can I switch to alternative fuels?
Yeah. Go get yourself some alternative fuels for your alternative lifestyle, queer. Go ahead; tell your boss that you need a raise so you can afford more corn alcohol and see where it gets you. Hell, if you want to tell people that you drive a car that has a cornhole instead of a gas cap; Be our guest.
When will fuel prices go down?
There’s no easy answer to that question, since if hell were, in fact, to freeze over, we would use the increased heating oil demand to raise prices.
[tags]Gas prices, oil prices, petroleum futures, oil industry, alternative fuels, ethanol, hydrogen fuel cells, dark humor, satire[/tags]
I’m actually waiting until Detroit invents a car that runs on spotted owls and snail darters.
I tried to rig a system where my car would run on hookers, Lance; but it turns out that even though they say they’ll take you around the world for a hundred bucks, it’s not nearly as far as you’d think. And after you get there, it ain’t rubber you feel burning.