Dear President-Elect Obama

Congratulations on your victory. Now you’re fucked.

Here in America, we’re all about hero stories. We love a tale about the white knight (No pun intended, but if that’s how you want to take it, look at it this way: by those standards, apparently you would be Batman) riding in to save the day. Movies like that make millions… but only because the director’s usually smart enough to yell “cut” right after the rescue. Pretty Woman, horrible movie it may be, worked because they stopped right after Richard Gere saved Julia Roberts. Nobody wanted to see an act four with Julia shoving Kotex down the back of her pants because it turned out that Dick only liked her because she let him put it in her ass, or with Dick drinking himself to death because that bitch Julia had the nerve to ask for more Gucci after she gave him that dose of Guatemalan Crotchblack Crabs.

Last night at 11:30, you were The Hero, sir. This morning, you are The Man. And as such, we want to start hearing some specifics about what you’re gonna do to, well, fix us. Yeah, yeah; I know: middle class tax cut, keep your own doctor, controlled withdrawal from Iraq, blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. We all know that that’s just the campaign shit you say to get people to vote for you; you might as well have told us that you’ll last sixty minutes, wear a condom and won’t come in our mouths.

The economy’s in the shitter, Mr. President-Elect. Now that we’ve given you the gig, let’s start hearing some names and seeing some resumes for the Secretary of the Treasury you think can get us out of this mess. And on those resumes, I’d better not see any names like “Goldman Sachs”, “Bear Stearns” or “AIG”. First of all, all those bastards are getting enough cash off the public tit as it is without giving them a government paycheck.  Second, them’s the fuckers what broke it in the first place. Putting one of them in charge would be like appointing my crazy Uncle Pete as Secretary of Liquor Cabinet Security; he might know the subject better than anyone else, but only a fool would give him the keys.

We’ve heard you say a lot about alternative energy and electric cars, Mr. President-Elect, and I, for one, want to keep hearing about it. Electric cars are green, reduce our dependence on foreign energy, and more importantly, they have what environmentalists call: “A fuckload of low-end torque.” And the faster we can make electric cars viable and desirable, the more likely it is that Tesla Motors stays afloat and I can get my hands on one of those sweet roadsters that would allow me to blow guidos in Camaros off the line and obtain the goal of all environmentally-minded men: a constant, throbbing erection.

(Besides, after the last eight years, from here on out the only time I want to see my leader holding hands with a man in a dress is at his impeachment hearing. But I digress.)

When it comes to things like “warrantless wiretapping”, the only thing we want to hear after it is: “is now over.” Wiretapping Americans hasn’t stopped a single terrorist attack, and besides: if you keep it up, do you really want to spend the resources compiling that many tapes of people saying, “That fucker Obama lied to us about ending warrantless wiretapping”?

I wanted to write some more about this, but I need to get to work; pay cut or no, it’s still a job and in this economy, I’d like to keep it. And please remember that, sir; there are a hell of a lot of us in situations like this or worse that are counting on you to start fixing this situation. And if you don’t, well… just remember that 48 percent of the voting public is waking up this morning wistful for John McCain, and somewhere in the wilderness of Alaska, Sarah Palin’s started doodling “2012” in her notebook, next to “I ♥ Todd”, “Mrs. Sarah Palin-Van Halen”, and “Choose Life.”

So congratulations on your victory, President-Elect Obama. Now quit whoring around and get to work.

[tags]Presidential Election, Barack Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]