Dear Jamie and Adam:
As you might be aware, I’m a big fan of your show. It’s the only show I personally like that’s allowed on my TiVo, and my girl is happy to have it on our television every Saturday morning, keeping me occupied while she’s in the bathroom dry-heaving and praying for recovery or death, whichever comes first.
I’ve learned many important things from you, such as the volatile and explosive nature of non-dairy creamer, which I have begun compulsively hoarding in my garage, so I will be prepared in the event of a zombie apocalypse, or if I get one more snide look from the counter bitch at Dunkin’ Donuts that leads me to believe that she’s instructing the coffee kid to jack off in my Big One.
However, I’ve got to be honest: you guys have slipped in the past few years. This morning I watched your second special on ninja myths. Ninjas? Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t want to be the voice of doom fellas, but of course everything they say about ninjas is bullshit. After all, they were mercenary contractors. Of course they were gonna tell people that they could walk on water and yank arrows out of the air; they were padding their resumes. A ninja saying he can disappear is no better than when I tell women that I’m a sixty-minute man: technically it’s not a lie, provided you include six minutes of looking for my pants and forty-five minutes of apologizing.
I’ve gotta tell you Adam and Jamie: you’ve stopped testing myths that anyone gives a fuck about. If you don’t get back to testing myths that engage people like me, you’re days on TV are going to be numbered, and then you’ll have to go back to sticking together set dressing for shitty Robin Williams comeback vehicles, which will be bad for you, bad for Robin Williams, and, in fact, bad for America.
I’ve noticed over the past couple of years that you guys are looking for new myth ideas to test, so I wanted to take this opportunity to suggest a few myths that I would like to be proved or disproved. I think you’ll find these are a little more based in the realities and interests of your viewers, and which would guarantee that at least I’ll be watching for years to come:
- Is it true that, if you set Dane Cook on fire, you can put him out with an MP5 automatic submachine gun?
- Would Frank Caliendo be exactly as funny as he is now if his larynx were ripped out with a corkscrew?
- Are The Jonas Brothers really completely immune to strychnine?
- Can Miley Cyrus sing The Star Spangled Banner with perfect pitch while Marlboro Lights are being extinguished on her back?
- Can Heidi Montag really survive while breathing raw sewage for eighteen minutes?
- Would Sarah Jessica Parker still choose Jimmy Choos if her Achille’s tendons were severed?
- If so, how about if it was her head?
- If they were locked in a shipping container for a month, who would kill and cannibalize the other first: Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt?
- Rather than food, does Jennifer Lopez really take sustenance from being beaten with a baseball bat?
- Is it true that Justin Timberlake would be more efficient at “bringing sexy back” if he were being held down and teabagged by members of the Latin Kings?
I hope these suggestions help, guys. I realize that some of these might be a little budget-intensive for your little basic cable show, so I’ll tell you what: I’m willing to call it even if you’ll settle the myth that your build team member, Kari Byron, actually has three nipples. And don’t forget to show your work.
Your pal,
Rob
[tags]Mythbusters, Adam Savage, Jamie Hyneman, Kari Byron, Dane Cook, Frank Caliendo, The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Heidi Montag, Sarah Jessica Parker, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Timberlake, dark humor, satire[/tags]
