Today is Earth Day; and our Mother Earth is in peril. Greenhouse gasses are causing severe weather and climate change. Many of you are wondering: What can I do to prevent this?
Well, it turns out that growing a goatee, wearing hemp pants, refusing to shave your armpits and playing hacky-sack just aren’t enough, although we will continue to perform these important steps! However, by just making a few of the following changes, you can help make the world a safe place for our children to play hacky sack while calling us oppressor bougeouis pigs.
Change Your Light Bulbs!
Did you know that there are now flourescent light bulbs that you can screw into any ordinary light socket? Lighting your home with these bulbs only costs a fraction of what it would cost to light your house by burning your stock portfolio! If you were to replace every incandescent light bulb in your home with flouresent bulbs, within a single year, all the Vitamin D would be sucked from your bones, rendering you pale and brittle! And when you emerged into the sun, squinting and shuffling, you’d be mistaken for a zombie and shot, reducing your energy usage by an order of magnitude!
Use Different Fuels!
Our dependence on non-renewable, seventy-five dollar per gallon oil-based energy for transportation is severely damaging to our environment. However, if we were to make the commitment to fuel our cars with ethanol distilled from grains and corn, it would only require every single molecule of grain and corn grown every year! This would simultaneously reduce our dependence on oil and raise the cost of whiskey to seventy-five dollars per gallon! This would cause drinkers to turn to sweet, sweet marijuana, which is a plant, which makes the Earth green!
Regulate Your Household Appliances!
Imagine the effect if you were to turn down your hot water heater, take shorter showers, wash your clothes in warm water instead of hot, and stop completely drying your clothes. Within just one month, the stench rising off of you would prevent you from convincing anyone to have sex with you, eliminating the chance that you might spawn an energy-sucking child.
Eat Organic Food!
If every supermarket, wholesaler and restaurant in American were to stop buying food from factory-style farms and start offering only locally-grown organic vegetables and free-range beef and poultry, the cost of an Egg McMuffin would rise to twenty-seven dollars. The ensuing wide-spread poverty and famine would lead to massive rioting, and the subsequent destruction of industrial facilities and extensive loss of human life would, in turn, lead to reduced energy use and greenhouse gas!
Remember: It’s Not Too Late!
Global warming is a serious threat to our environment, but it’s not too late to do something about it. If we all sacrifice just a little of our standard of living, we can leave a planet that our children, and our children’s children, can be proud to sacrifice a little of their standard of living for, to reverse the ice age we left them with.
[tags]Earth Day, Global Warming, Environmentalism, Dark Humor, Satire[/tags]
