As I’ve mentioned once or twice in the past, I have a strong and vested interest in any medical breakthroughs that can allow me to grow spare parts to replace the original factory equipment I’ve spent eighteen years killing with whiskey and cigarettes. Which is why I was excited to read this this morning:
[A] forthcoming study in the journal Nature will describe how a team in Germany, where [embryonic stem cell] research is forbidden, has successfully isolated highly flexible stem cells from adult mouse testes that exhibit properties similar to embryonic stem cells.
This story is incredible news, even beyond the fact that it’s about a bunch of Germans playing with mouse balls and not going to jail. Basically, these guys figured out that they can take testicular cells, and make them turn into any other kind of cell; heart, lung, nerves, whatever.
I think this is the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for, for a few reasons. First of all, it actually stands a chance of making some progress, unlike stem cell research, which apparently makes Jesus want to throw plastic fetuses, boycott stuff and vote Republican. Second: even the most conservative and cynical scientists have to understand the goldmine this could be if the research pans out. Hell; it markets itself: “Got cirrhosis? Let us give your liver some balls!”
Finally, this breakthrough gives me something I’ve been waiting my entire adult life for: an excuse to finally fucking ignore pregnant women.
For years, I’ve been hauled into baby showers and forced to haul out my wallet for gifts, the whole time hearing about the miracle of childbirth, and how spiritual motherhood is, and how I need to respect pregnancy because I couldn’t possibly understand the responsibility of bringing a life into the world… although apparently those responsibilities don’t include buying your own fucking baby jumpers with puke bibs.
Well, those chicks can now officially stow that “miracle” shit from now on! Because apparently my nuts cure the sick and heal and comfort the afflicted! My Gummy Wonder Twins bring eyesight to the blind and allow the crippled to walk! I’ll see your carrying a “little miracle” for nine months, and raise you the magic sack I carry 24/7.
Because my nads have the power of life and death, I have named them Gaius and Caligula. They have existed from the morning of the world, and shall exist until the last star falls from the night! And even though they have taken the form of cojones, they can be all men, as they are no men, and therefore they are… gods?
My balls are gods, now. And they. Will. Be. Worshipped.*
*I would advise against trying this speech on your pregnant wife or girlfriend unless you want to be the medical testcase to see if nut cells can be used to grow new nuts.
[tags]stem cell research, medicine, parenthood, pregnancy, baby shower, dark humor[/tags]
