Are You Duke University Lacrosse Team Material?

Thank you for applying for Duke University’s lacrosse scholarship! As a Duke student athlete, we have high expectations for your performance in the classroom as well as on the field.

In order for us to determine if you have the athletic and academic background to be eligible for this scholarship, please answer the following questions about your classroom and lacrosse experience:

• What is the most important defensive role on the lacrosse team?
  1. Sweeper.
  2. Cop lookout.
  3. Whoever’s holding her wrists.
• What is a polynomial?
  1. An equation of the form P(x) = 0.
  2. A proof that I should drop the class.
  3. Me, if I could convince more than one bitch to suck it.
• What do you feel is the most critical part of Duke’s lacrosse team?
  1. The defensive line.
  2. The offensive e-mails.
  3. Defense lawyers.
• Have you ever completed a “Critical analysis”?
  1. Yes. It is the evaluation of a literary work with the intent of swaying opinion.
  2. Yes, but my analysis was upgraded to “stable” once they pumped my stomach.
  3. Yes. However, I prefer performing oralysis on her crit, but that would mean waking the whore up.
• The Duke University Lacrosse Team official motto is:
  1. “Eruditio et Religio”
  2. “If you boot, you must rally.”
  3. “On advise of counsel, I decline to answer.”
• What is your most effective lacrosse tactic?
  1. The Swim Dodge
  2. The Keg Stand
  3. The Southern Trespass
• Where was DNA first discovered?
  1. The University of Cambridge; London, England.
  2. I discovered it at a Phish show, but I called it Ecstasy.
  3. In her asscrack, but it wasn’t mine.

Thank you for completing that application! If you selected “1” for all questions, we will have a financial aid officer contact you regarding your eligibility. If you selected “2” or “3”, I’m afraid it is against Duke University policy to award athletic scholarships to second-semester seniors.

[tags]Duke University, Rape Case, Lacrosse, self test, dark humor[/tags]