The Call of TomKat

According to every major news outlet on the planet this morning, TomKat’s squeezed out their litter of TomKitten. And here I thought I had another week or so to find a river and a burlap sack.

I am thoroughly sick of these Goddamned gossip stories about hooked-up celebrities with one fucking name, like like “Bennifer,” and “Brangelina,” or “Parisandwhoeverhasagramofblow.” I am tired of seeing pictures of Angelina Jolie’s “bump” on magazine covers because it makes me stop wanting to have sex with Angelina Jolie. And except for exactly two places on the entire planet Earth, I don’t care where Ben Affleck puts his dick. And if he does put it in either of those two places? I won’t need Us Magazine to tell me that he did it.

That said, I like the fact that the scandal sheets are reporting on the whole Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes thing. I enjoy watching the talking heads on E! News Nightly talking about it. Because even though this is the kind of Hollywood romance story that those idiots should be drooling all over themselves to tell, you can tell by looking at them that even they understand that merely the concept of Tom Cruise fucking Katie Holmes is thoroughly and fundamentally wrong.

Even these empty-headed gossip jockeys have to admit that the simple visual image of Tom hunched over Katie’s ass is so unnatural that it hurts the mind. Watching them report on it’s like forcing a Jenna Jameson fan to watch Guatemalan amputee scat porn; you can tell by their expression that they’re seeing individual pieces that they know should be making them hot… but the minute you turn away they’ll be gagging like a first week Boston altar boy.

Just the tones of the stories for the past years has been a treat for me to watch:

• Tom jumps on Oprah’s couch and screams he’s in love? That shows he’s decided to make a commitment to proving he’s not gay.
• Tom denounces psychology? That means he’s only weeks away from getting to the “bargaining” phase of accepting his diagnosis.
• Tom buys an ultrasound machine to look at the fetus? That shows he cares enough about Katie to use the finest medical technology to bombard the fetus with harmful sonic waves, rather than his native Aquaman powers.
• Tom and Katie plan on a silent birth? That shows that he plans to give her an epidural so she feels less discomfort when their spawn gnaws it’s way from the womb.

So now they’ve dropped the rat, and I hope like hell that Tom and Katie have another one. And another one. As many as it takes for me to someday be watching an Entertainment Tonight report and see the terrible understanding on Mary Hart’s face when she realizes that she’s only been calling Tom and Katie “TomKat” because she can’t spell “Cthulhu.”

[tags]Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, TomKat, TomKitten, Suri, Brangelina, Bennifer, gossip, Dark Humor[/tags]