What is Next Generation DVD?
A Next Generation DVD is the next revolution in home video entertainment! It looks like a standard DVD, it comes in a case that’s identical to a standard DVD, but when you get it home, you’ll discover just what the difference truly is: about fifteen bucks.
Why is the movie industry so excited about Next Generation DVD?
It’s impossible for we in the movie industry to not notice how you, the consumer, have embraced home theater technology, to the point where many of you don’t even go to movie theaters anymore! And while we will never understand why anyone would want to give up the experience of seeing a movie in the manner it was intended – three feet to the left of a cell phone argument in Portuguese, two feet to the right of a frantic teenaged handjob, with your shoes stuck to the floor and Milk Duds ricocheting off the back of your skull – we in the movie industry understand that we need to cater to the needs of the consumer if we want to be able to afford the Peruvian Flake cocaine that we need to think up movies like Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
So we decided that if the consumer was going to forego paying $10.50 going to movie theaters in favor of watching a DVD he just purchased, we would introduce a new DVD format to force that ungrateful pigfucker to buy that DVD again.
What’s the technical difference between standard and Next Generation DVD?
A standard DVD plays video at 720 interlaced lines of resolution at 23.97 frames per second in a frequency of 59.97 megahertz. A Next Generation DVD displays video at 1080 progressive lines of resolution at 29.97 frames per second at 29.97 megahertz! So clearly, a Next Generation DVD provides enough of an improvement in video for any casual viewer to be completely unable to understand, let alone see, the difference, and for a video geek to complain that the picture still blows goats.
Will a Next Generation DVD provide me with any additional special features?
Certainly! Condsider that a standard DVD has about 9 gigabytes of storage, and often provides three or four commentary tracks from the director, movie stars and special effects technicians. Next Generation DVDs have up to 45 gigabytes of storage, allowing for any number of additional commentary tracks! Imagine the thrill of hearing the commentary of your favorite movie’s Best Boy! Here’s a simulation:
“I’m the best boy, not the fucking rent boy. I don’t blow the director, I help the gaffer. What does the gaffer do? Fucked if I know. I think he blows the director.”
Is it true there are two different formats of Next Generation DVDs? And if so, which should I buy?
You’re talking about the difference between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray DVD. And there’s no need to be concerned; the differences between the two formats are negligible. Both use a blue laser, and both use standard-sized discs. The only difference is that if you try to play one disc in the other player, all your smoke alarms will go off.
To be on the safe side, you should buy both players, and all of your movies in both formats. Or send us all of your money in a paper sack.
Should I be concerned that this format won’t take off, and that I’ll have wasted my money?
Of course not! Keep in mind that there is one factor that determines whether or not a new video media format takes off: porn. And while the porn industry hasn’t yet embraced the sharp, crystal-clear picture of Next Generation DVD, we have a complete confidence that they will soon realize that nothing makes a man more excited by his favorite pornstar than being able to see her every blemish, cold sore, chancre, implant scar, needle track and hemorrhoid.
How does the sound compare to standard DVD?
At a hundred and twenty clams to get you to buy Star Wars for the sixth time since VHS? Sounds pretty fucking good to us.
[tags]HD-DVD, Blu-Ray, High-definition, home theater, Dark Humor[/tags]
