Editor’s Note: Yesterday, the leaderless Internet group known as Anonymous announced that they had gained entry into Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s personal email account at gov.palin@yahoo.com, and released the contents to WikiLeaks.org, who published five screen captures to confirm the intrusion was legitimate.
While WikiLeaks has so far declined to publish the remainder of the leaked email, The American Jerk has obtained several of them via the honored journalistic technique of writing them ourselves and then using liberal application of Jack Daniels to forget that we did so.
The American Jerk would like to take this opportunity to state it’s wishes that Barack Obama would somehow fuck something up egregiously, since we are tired of writing about this backwoods gun show beauty queen. However, since she keeps delivering the comedy goods, we at least understand why comedians in the late ’80s loved Dan Quayle while simultaneously hating themselves.
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from   gov.palin@yahoo.com <missalaska>
to   jesus@god.gov <jesus>
date   Mon, Dec 4, 2006 at 2:04 PM
subject   Thank You!!!!!1!
Dear Jesus:
I’m just writing to thank YOU for DELIVERING ME THE ELECTION!!!! You may rest assured that You will be seated on my cabinet as Secretary of AWESOME!!!
And You may rest easy and know that, as Governor (GOVERNOR!), I will be doing Your will. Since, last night’s celebratory conjugal with Todd made me see You and yell out Your name, I understand that it is Your will that I lay some pipe of my own: Natty Gas Pipeline, here we come!
Your pal,
Governor Sarah
P.S. Why don’t you ever write back to me?
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from   gov.palin@yahoo.com <missalaska>
to   fek9wnr@yahoo.com <toddster>
date   Fri, Aug 17, 2007 at 4:21 PM
subject  NEW BLESSING
Do you remember our special romantic long weekend away earlier this month? Of COURSE you do: three blessed days in Anchorage… three-hour room service brunches with Prestone Mimosas… long nights of passionate marital conjugation fueled by freebasing Deet…
All right, well maybe you DON’T remember it all that well, but all the “party aids” had one positive effect! WE’RE EXPECTING ANOTHER ONE OF GOD’S CHILDREN!
We need to think of a good name for a child concieved in the warmth of parental love and antifreeze shooters! I vote Trig! I looked it up in the dictionary, and it means “smart, trim and in good condition,” which I’m SURE will describe this child!
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from   gov.palin@yahoo.com <missalaska>
to   jesus@god.gov <jesus>
date   Thu, Mar 6, 2008 at 2:04 PM
subject   WAS IT YOU
Dear Jesus:
Please please please please PLEASE tell me it was YOU who put your filthy hands on Bristol, and not that redneck sperm factory Levi. Because just the IDEA that MY DAUGHTER had to hear his rotten pickup lines and then his lame “Whoops! Sorry, I can normally go longer than two minutes!” the same way that I…
Nevermind, Jesus. Just let me point out that, as Governor, I can do anything I want, and Your Father didn’t say “Thou Shalt Not HAVE somebody killed.”
Actually, I’m just going to tell people that You’re the father. It’s not like anybody’s going to have any reason to ask otherwise, right?
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from   gov.palin@yahoo.com <missalaska>
to   ivyfrye@yahoo.com <Ivy Frye>
date   Fri, Aug 1, 2008 at 11:34 AM
subject   Subpoena?
Dear Ivy:
What’s a “subpoena”? The sheriff just gave me one, and it SOUNDED Latin, so I looked it up and I THINK it said it means “under the rose.” Is this some kind of demand to see my dirty woman parts? Because that is SICK, and the ONLY way I would comply would be if there was a quarter billion dollars in it for me. Ask Ted Stevens.
So I’m going to ignore this filthy “subpeona”, and, on a completely unrelated note, please take a look at the attached map, which has several marked locations where, say, a state trooper could be buried without anyone finding him.
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from   gov.palin@yahoo.com <missalaska>
to   SenMcCain@McCain2008.com <Senator John McCain>
date   Thu, Aug 28, 2008 at 12:54 PM
subject  RE: A Proposition
Dear Senator McCain:
Do what now?
[tags]Sarah Palin, Yahoo, Anonymous, WikiLeaks, leaked email, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
“Do what now?” was the frosting on the cake.