Editor’s Update: Whoops! According to the nice, white-haired, civic-minded people at the polls, the ballot questions aren’t until the general election in November. Either that, or they got a look at my ponytail and a whiff of last night’s JD and made a command decision to keep the whacky weed out of their town.
Either way: you got one vote, Pedroia!
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I’ve been engrossed enough skimming material from the national political clusterfuck that I didn’t even notice that Massachusetts has a primary vote for statewide candidates today until I heard it on the radio while taking my morning dump. Which, frankly, is the preferred way to be surprised by any part of the American political process: with your pants already down and your bung pre-relaxed.
If this news were dropped on me on the day of ten years ago, my reaction would have been, “Fuck it. I have no idea who’s on the ballot, and I have a busy Tuesday, what with going to work and pretending that this crippling hangover isn’t happening to me.” However, I am now old and wise enough to know that 1) Ignorance is no excuse when you have The Google, and 2) I am actually sober this morning, thanks to a decision to get healthy by replacing my nightly twelve-pack with a single quintuple Jack Daniels on the rocks to allow me to sleep without any of that pesky and terrifying REM sleep.
A quick Googling showed me that the main race is for Senator. John Kerry’s up for reelection, opposed by some dude looking to knock him off for the Democratic nomination named Ed O’Reilly from Gloucester. Normally I’m a “throw the bums out” kinda voter, provided it’s not a straw vote at the bar half an hour before last call when I need to replace the beer I just recycled into the tip jar.
But in this case, no matter what you think about his abominable Presidential run or his questionable windsurfing jones, Kerry voted the way I wanted on FISA and a few other things, while O’Reilly is from Gloucester.
If you’ve seen The Perfect Storm, you’ve seen Gloucester, except no man there looks like George Clooney until the women have done off a bump of meth and a pint of Cappy’s Somerville-Distilled Vodka (“Now only partially gelatinous! Oh God, It Burns!”). Actually, no man there looks like John C. Reilly without that kind of chemical fortification.
And I’m not sure Massachusetts can handle a Senatorial sex scandal involving office masturbation to The Deadliest Catch, or lobbying to give tax breaks to any man with the dick control to keep it out of the family tree any closer to the trunk than first cousin.
Not that that applies to me anyway; I’m registered Independent, so I guess I’ll be writing in Dustin Pedroia.
However, what I’ve learned over the year is that nobody in sitting government expects anyone to actually vote in one of these shitsplat mini-elections… so that’s where they hide the good ballot questions, in the hopes that they can slide them by while you’re not looking. It’s like putting your dog’s heartworm medicine in a spoonful of peanut butter, or your gay college roommate waiting for the ketamine to kick in.
Massachusetts has three ballot questions on the primary today, and the first is to reduce the income tax rate by half. Which sounds great on it’s face, but when it comes to tax money, Massachusetts government (Like any government, actually) is like a filthy junkie: if you don’t toss money into his styrofoam Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cup, he’ll break into your house to get it.
So if this bad boy passes, they’ll drop our taxes with a smile and a “The People Have Spoken!”… and then charge you $900 to register your ’92 Dodge Neon, which you won’t be able to drive on the roads they’ll claim they can’t afford to prevent from rotting. And if you try to escape, you’ll be given a speeding ticket every fifteen feet (“We’re keeping the roads safe! Plus, this new Taser ain’t gonna pay for itself, and are you resisting me?”), and destroy your credit, what with the second mortgage you’ll need to pay the Mass Pike toll to get to Albany.
The second ballot question they’re trying to sneak by is to decriminalize possession of marijuana for personal use, which I am all for. Not because I use it (I actually don’t. I’m good at booze, and I’m too damn lazy to learn another drug), but because I live in a college town. And I am sick and tired of being awakened by the blue flash of patrol car rollers and the whimpering of horse-healthy nineteen-year-olds that their stash is for “medical purposes.” Particularly when the cop knows that Massachusetts has no medical marijuana laws (And that even if we did, that boredom is not a medical condition), and who’s hoping that, for once, the kid’s not lying and pitches a seizure so that he can post a YouTube video of his work for a change.
The third question is whether or not to outlaw dog racing, which I will vote for. Not because I’m any kind of animal rights douchebag (Trust me: I am so not), but because if you make it illegal to keep dogs just to chase a mechanical rabbit, the owners will release them into the countryside, where they will begin chasing toddlers, and the elderly, and then I can have my own million-hit YouTube video.
I know that it’s a pain in the ass to get to the polls on a Tuesday, but if you don’t vote, who do you think is gonna? That’s right, the retired, who don’t have anything better to do until Judge Judy comes on. And do you think they’re gonna vote to be taxed for good roads that trained chase animals can easily run them down on while we watch, stoked to the duodenum on fine Tijuana Giggle Straw?
Fuck the elderly. I’m off to vote.
[tags]Masschusetts Primary, John Kerry, Ed O’Reilly, legalize marijuana, income tax, outlaw dog racing, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
